


such a long long way behind us

by laminy



Series: and the night followed day, and the story tellers say [6]
Category: American (US) Actor RPF, Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018) Actor RPF, British Actor RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Epic Friendship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-11-02 11:42:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20734376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laminy/pseuds/laminy
Summary: It's the one-year anniversary of the Mercury's return home, and the four spend the day in Rami and Joe's flat. None of them are them handling it particularly well, as they think about things left behind, and the guilt they carry with them.(takes place in April 2040)





	such a long long way behind us

“Gwil?” Ben asks softly, reaching out to push a piece of hair away from his face, just one lock that’s fallen down over Gwil’s forehead, almost in his eyes.

“Not today, love,” Gwil murmurs, voice rough, and Ben drops his hand, nodding.

“Of course,” Ben says. He leans forward and brushes his lips again Gwil’s temple, whispering “I’m sorry.” He carefully moves away from Gwil, grabbing his pyjama bottoms and a long-sleeved t-shirt off the floor, carrying them in his arms as he walks out of the bedroom. He quietly pulls the door closed behind him, then quickly gets dressed in the hallway as to not disturb Gwil any further, and heads downstairs. He sees Joe sitting on the sofa, alone, the television on. He gently clears his throat, trying not to scare him, and gives him a weak smile when Joe glances over at him.

“Morning,” Joe says flatly, patting the cushion next to him.

“Morning,” Ben says, dropping down beside him. 

“Gwil in bed?” Joe asks. 

Ben nods. “Rami?”

Joe nods. He sighs, reaching up to scrub his hand over his face, then gestures towards the television. “Hartstone’s making a big show of it,” he says. “Fucking…” He trails off before he says what he really thinks, just shakes his head. “They’re interviewing one of the crew members later.”

“John, I presume,” Ben says. Really the only one the IIS lost track of. Ben’s sure he’s got loads to say.

Joe shrugs. “I don’t know,” he mutters. “Fucking fucking fucking _fuck_.”

Ben just looks down at his thumbnail, like it’s the most interesting thing in the world. Anything to keep his eyes off the television, the headline in bold letters across the bottom: _One Year Anniversary of Mercury Return_. It’s a weekday, and Joe’s supposed to be at work; Hartstone made it _very_ clear that no one was to take the day off, but the night before, as they were going to bed, Joe had just shrugged, saying “she can fire me if she wants, but I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know my name, so.”

Ben and Gwil had stayed over the night before without even asking or needing to be asked; as the day approached, it just didn’t make any sense to be anywhere else.

“I just…” Joe sighs, looking over at Ben. His eyes are red, wet with unshed tears, and Ben’s heart aches. “What do we do?” he asks.

Ben just shakes his head. “I don’t know,” he says. “I…have you eaten?” he asks.

“Not yet, no,” Joe says. “I don’t know if I could stomach it right now.”

Ben’s honestly not sure that he could either, but the idea of going out to get something to eat makes him feel productive, like he’s contributing. To what, he’s not sure. He knows it’s not really helpful. Gwil and Rami will probably be in bed all day, they don’t give a damn if Ben goes out to get McDonald’s or not. He looks down at his clothes, though. The McDonald’s is only a minute away, literally, in the same building as the penthouse Rami had tried to sell Gwil on, but Ben’s not sure going outside in his pyjamas is his idea of fun. And he can’t go back into the bedroom to grab something else.

Then he has his stroke of brilliance: delivery. The idea makes him feel slightly less accomplished than going out to get it for himself, but that’s alright, he’ll survive. Ben takes out his phone, glancing over at Joe. “I’m ordering in,” he says, and suddenly Joe, who couldn’t stomach the idea of it fifteen seconds ago, is starving.

As Ben places the order, he thinks of the people who are going to make the food. The person who will bag it. The person who’s going to deliver it. To them, it’s just another day. None of them give a single fuck about the Mercury or the IIS, or Gwil and Rami losing everything. Most people don’t. And if anybody cares today, they’ll go back to not caring tomorrow.

Ben drops his phone, shaking his head. He looks back up at the television screen. He doesn’t blame Joe one bit for still working the for the IIS. He doesn’t blame Rami for wanting to go back. But right now, he’s so fucking relieved he doesn’t have to be in that office dealing with this right now. “Did Rami say anything this morning?” he asks, clearing his throat gently when he hears how scratchy his voice sounds.

Joe shakes his head, reaching up to wipe at his face. “No, he’s not awake,” he says, sniffling. “He uh,” he sniffles again, “he couldn’t sleep last night, so he took something to help. He’s still out like a light.” He brings his feet up onto the sofa, wrapping his arms around one of the throw pillows. “What about Gwil?” he asks.

Ben shakes his head. “He’s awake, but…not saying much.” His stomach twists, and suddenly he feels a little nauseous, a little shaky. Like he’s fucking up somehow. God, he can’t feel like this today. Let it be about Rami and Gwil for once; he doesn’t need Joe running around to try to keep Ben from bursting into tears. He takes a few deep breaths, and runs the palm of his hand over his stomach, shifting on the sofa.

“You okay?” Joe asks, glancing over at him.

Ben nods. “I just— just feel bad,” he says.

Joe shakes his head, and finally turns off the television. “Yeah, me too,” he says. “I…I don’t know. I might just go back to bed; say fuck it and spend my day with my head under my pillow.”

“Yeah,” Ben says softly. “I…think Gwil wants to be alone, so I’m just gonna…stay down here.” He swallows hard, and shifts again.

“That,” Joe shifts, reaching out to him, “that doesn’t mean anything, you know, right?”

“What?” Ben asks, looking over at him. “That he wants to be alone?” Joe nods. “No, I know,” Ben says. “He’s handling better than I would be anyway. It’s— I’m not upset. Not about…that, anyway.”

“You sure?” Joe asks.

“Yeah,” Ben says. “I just wish I knew how to make it better. Guess I can’t, really.” He brings his thumb up to his mouth, biting at the skin around the nail, and for once, Joe doesn’t reach out to take his hand away from his mouth.

“I,” Joe sniffles, reaching up to wipe at his face, “I gotta go be with him, okay?” He pats Ben on the shoulder a couple times and then pushes himself up off the sofa.

Ben turns to watch as Joe hurries up the stairs, and then he turns back around. He sniffles, and grabs the pillow that Joe had been holding onto, then wraps his arms around it as well.

Joe quietly opens the bedroom door, blinking a couple times to adjust to the darkness; the curtains are closed, and the only light is coming in from behind him in the doorway. Joe steps into the room and then carefully closes the door behind him, walking over to his side of the bed. He looks down at Rami, still fast asleep, mouth hanging open and just a bit of drool on the pillow. Joe has to smile, even today, and pulls the blankets back as he climbs in next to him. He curls up on his side, looking at Rami. He leans in and kisses his cheekbone, and then settles back, rest his arm over Rami’s waist. “I love you,” he says, even though he knows Rami can’t hear him. He watches him for a few moments longer, before his eyes start to feel heavy and he falls back asleep.

\+ + + + +

Gwil stares at the wall, curled up on his on side, eyes heavy and tired from all the crying he’s been doing. He sniffles, nose so stuffed he can barely breathe. There’s also an uncomfortable ache in his bladder; Rami’s lucky, he’s got the en suite attached to his and Joe’s bedroom. If Gwil wants to use the bathroom (and he very much does), he’s going to have to step out into the hallway. But the idea of getting up, the possibility of running into any of the three of them, it sounds absolutely dreadful. He sniffles again, coughing a couple times, and then closes his eyes. If he can manage to fall back asleep for a few hours then maybe it wouldn’t hurt so bad.

Gwil’s stomach rumbles and a bit, and he makes a pitiful sound, a pathetic whimper. He just draws his legs up closer to his chest, curling even further in on himself, and just hopes that he can fall back asleep. He’s not sure he can. This is late for him. But the thought of getting out of bed…the tears start coming again, and his shoulders shake with it. 

He hasn’t hurt like this in a long time. He really wasn’t sure how well he was going to handle today. He’d almost convinced himself that he’d be fine, really. Not great, of course not, but it wasn’t his plan to still be in bed, unable to stop the stream of tears down his face. He thought he’d at least make it to the sofa, let himself curl up against Ben. Instead he’s pushed Ben away, and locked himself away in the spare bedroom. Even Augie can’t get in.

And Rami. Fuck, Rami. Gwil stares at the bedroom door, knowing that Rami’s just a few feet away on the other side of it. And Gwil knows that he should be with him. At the very least, he should drag himself out of bed to go see Rami.

But then he second-guesses himself. Maybe Rami doesn’t want to see him; maybe Gwil’s just a reminder, a living symbol of everything that Rami’d lost. Maybe all seeing him would do is remind Rami of all the time Gwil spent locked away in the Space Operations Centre. And maybe Rami just wants to spend his time with Joe.

Gwil reaches up, wiping away the tears on his face. He tugs at the blankets and tries to hide himself away under them. He wants to block everything out, every uncomfortable ache in his body right now. He wants to forget everything; none of it would hurt anymore if he couldn’t remember it. Gwil thinks about the darkest time, almost a year ago, when he’d refused to see Rami, and he’d spent days just trying to get up the courage to…

Gwil swallows hard, letting out a deep shaky breath. It’s not like that again. Not now. He came close again during the summer, after the horrible way he’d treated Ben. This is just a bad day. A terrible anniversary. 

He can still hear Rami crying for him as they were separated and led away in separate vehicles, weapons on them.

Gwil knows that he should be out there, that he should find Ben and just close his eyes and let Ben take all his weight for once. But god, he can’t make himself do it. Not yet. He just needs a little bit more time to himself.

But goddammit, he _really_ needs to pee. 

Gwil shoves the blankets off him and finally sits up. The shift in position means he breathe a little bit easier now, and he takes a deep breath, still sniffling a bit. He reaches down to grab his t-shirt, tugging it over his head. He stands up, and takes a second to rub at his eyes before opening the door, just a bit. Just a bit is all it takes for Augie to come running in, and Gwil stumbles a bit to get out of his way. “Good boy,” he says softly, glancing over at him. He opens the door a bit further, and sticks his head out. The bedroom door across the hall is closed, so he guesses at least Rami is still in there. He doesn’t hear anything, no sounds from the television, or someone typing on their computer, so he has no idea where Joe or Ben are. 

Gwil quickly ducks out into the hallway and runs into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. When he’s done, he quietly walks to the end of the hallway, looking out over the balcony. He doesn’t see Joe or Ben in the living room. His stomach rumbles again and he rubs his hand over it, contemplating going downstairs to find something to eat. But he’s guessing that, at least, Ben is down there, probably in the dining room. And he loves him, god he really does, and he knows Ben loves him, but he’s not sure he can stand the look of pity in his eyes today.

Gwil’s eyes fill with tears again, and he grips at the balcony, biting down on the cry that’s threatening to spill out. He just sniffles and finally pushes himself away, walking back into the bedroom.

Gwil laughs pathetically when he sees that Augie’s made himself at home in the middle of the bed, instead of his own kitty condo. “Hi, Augie,” he says softly, climbing back onto the bed, curling around Augie. He smiles sadly at him, tears constant on his face now. “I had a cat like you once,” he says, reaching out to pet Augie. He meows, and Gwil chuckles softly. “She was lovely.” He squeezes his eyes shut, tears leaking out anyway. “Had a pretty great bloke too,” he says bitterly, sniffling. His stomach twists with guilt now, because he’s _still_ got a great bloke. Downstairs. In this flat, probably just waiting for him to come talk to him. He wants to go see him, he wants to just let Ben hold him, and let him tell him that it’ll be alright, but he’s not sure he even deserves that. 

He’s so fucking pathetic.

\+ + + + +

Ben had paused the television show on his computer when he thought he heard a door open upstairs. He sat quietly for a few moments, not even chewing his hashbrown, while he waited to see if the footsteps came downstairs or not. Then he heard a door again, and after a short while, the toilet flush and the sink turn on.

He can tell from the doors opening and closing that whoever it was stepped in and out of the hallway, using that bathroom. Which means it was Gwil, not Rami or Joe. But Gwil doesn’t come downstairs. Doesn’t come looking for him, or even come down for a glass of water or a bite to eat. He just goes back into the bedroom and shuts the door behind him.

Ben tries to not let it hurt. And it doesn’t, not entirely. It doesn’t feel great either, though. He doesn’t need Joe to tell him that it doesn’t mean anything, Ben _knows_ that. Ben and Gwil have been in a pretty great relationship for over four months, five months in just a few days. That’s not the longest time in the world, but Ben’s still pretty proud of it. He doesn't think that this day is going to ruin all that. And he knows Gwil, he remembers almost a year ago, Rami coming to tell him that his mate had locked himself away in his bedroom and wasn’t see anyone and was barely eating. This is just how Gwil deals with thing sometimes, by being alone. Ben doesn’t _love_ it, of course, but it also doesn’t feel like the end of the world.

But even though Ben knows it doesn’t mean anything, he still can’t help but wonder if that means there’s something wrong with _him_, that Gwil would rather be alone than let Ben try to help.

Ben reaches out to grab his orange juice, finishing it off. Then he picks up another one. He’d ordered enough McDonald’s for all four of them, just in case the other three managed to make their way downstairs. He’s really not sure how much food is going to be left for them by the time they come down. _If_ they come down. 

Ben grabs another hashbrown.

\+ + + + +

Rami’s head feels a little foggy as he slowly wakes up. It comes in stages, like his brain wakes up before the rest of his body. He knows that he’s awake before he opens his eyes. He stretches out under the blankets and groans softly, shifting towards Joe. He snuggles against him, and then slowly opens his eyes, blinking a couple times. He’s a bit confused at first, when he sees Joe’s cheeks are wet, and his nose is red. Then it hits him, he remembers why Joe might be crying today. Why he took a sleeping pill last night, which is why he feels so strange this morning.

Rami sniffles, swallowing hard. He reaches up, wiping at his eyes, then sniffles again. He rolls onto his back, blinking as he looks up at the ceiling. He’s trying to be quiet, and he thinks he’s mostly succeeding, but then Joe shifts next to him, lifting up his head, creases on his cheek from the pillow. “Hi,” he says, hoping his voice doesn’t break. 

“Hi,” Joe says softly. He frowns a bit, reaching down to gently wipe some of the tears from Rami’s face. “Did you sleep okay?” he asks.

Rami nods. “I did, yeah,” he says, and he sniffles.

“Good,” Joe murmurs. “I…” He looks down briefly. “I don’t know what to say,” he says softly, and Rami nods.

“It’s okay,” Rami says, “neither do I.” He reaches out to take Joe’s hand, and then brings it up to his mouth, softly kissing it. Joe nods a couple times. “Where’s Gwil?” he asks.

“Bed,” Joe says. “Last I heard, anyway.”

“And Ben?” Rami asks. “He’s with him?”

Joe shakes his head. “No, Gw— Gwil wants to be alone,” he says quietly.

Rami frowns, then glances over towards the bedroom door. “I should go be with him,” he says.

“It’s okay,” Joe says, “you don’t have to. You— if you want to be alone, you should do that. Gwil’s…a big boy.”

“He’s my best mate,” Rami says.

“I know that,” Joe says, “I just mean…you gotta worry about yourself first, okay? Ben can help with Gwil, you need to take care of yourself.”

Rami looks over at the door again, then sighs, and nods. “I…I know,” he says softly.

“What do you need right now?” Joe asks, and Rami thinks for a moment, and then sighs, shaking his head.

“I don’t know,” Rami says. He awkwardly pushes himself up, leaning against the pillows and the headboard, and he shakes his head again, rubbing his hand over his stomach. “I don’t know how I feel.” He closes his eyes for a moment and his shoulders briefly shake. “That’s terrible, isn’t it?”

Joe shakes his head, pushing himself up to sit beside Rami, taking his hand. “Not at all,” he says. “It’s…okay. Whatever you feel is okay.” He shifts, and rests against Rami. 

“I should feel worse,” Rami continues, and Joe just shakes his head again.

“That’s not true,” Joe assures him.

Rami takes a deep breath, then sniffles. “Where’s Ben?” he asks.

“Downstairs,” Joe says, “I think. That’s where I left him, anyway.”

“He shouldn’t be alone,” Rami says, and he immediately moves to get out of bed, but he’s stopped by Joe’s hand on him. “What?” he asks.

“Just…” Joe says, “what I said. Don’t worry about Ben or Gwil, worry about _your_—”

“I want to see him,” Rami says, climbing out of bed. He wavers a bit on his feet, and Joe immediately shifts, reaching out to him. “I’m alright,” Rami says, “just still a bit tired,” he says. “I’m going to the loo, I’ll be right out.”

“Okay,” Joe says, keeping his eyes on Rami as he walks around the bed, heading into the en suite. He seems fine. Joe gets out of bed and pulls his hoodie on, waiting for Rami to come back out. He hears the toilet flush, then the water run, and a few moments later, the door opens back up. “Are you okay?” he asks.

Rami nods. “I’m sorry about last night,” he says, walking over to Joe, standing in front of him.

Joe wraps his arms around Rami’s waist, looking up at him. “What do you mean?” he asks.

“Crying, and— and being all out of sorts,” Rami says, and Joe looks up at him sadly. It wasn’t just that Rami’d had trouble sleeping the night before; Joe had downplayed it a bit to Ben. What really happened was that Rami had started crying and couldn’t stop, to the point that Joe was worried he was going to hurt something or pop a blood vessel somewhere. Joe had managed to convince Rami to take a sleeping pill and then stayed up, softly comforting him, until Rami had finally managed to fall asleep.

“Babe, it’s— it’s okay,” Joe says, pressing a kiss to Rami’s stomach over his t-shirt, “that’s…it’s okay.” He smiles, burying his face in Rami’s stomach. “I don’t mind.”

“It’s embarrassing,” Rami murmurs, smoothing his hands over Joe’s morning hair, pushing the stray pieces back into place.

“Not to me,” Joe says. “I was just worried about you.” He pulls back a bit, looking up at him.

“You still are,” Rami says, before Joe can, and Joe just nods.

“I didn’t know what I’d be waking up to today,” Joe says, and Ram shakes his head a bit.

“Neither did I,” Rami says. “I…don’t know yet, how I feel, but I’d like to go downstairs, if we can.”

“Anything you want,” Joe says, and he stands up, following closely behind Rami as they walk out of the bedroom. Joe takes a deep breath as they head downstairs; he’d imagined spending all day in bed with Rami, holding him close, letting him sob into his arms and telling him that it would all be alright. He didn’t expect this at all; Rami almost seems to be handling it better than Joe is. Which is pretty fucked up, Joe thinks.

The living room is empty, and Rami glances back at Joe before continuing on into the dining room. “Hi,” Rami says, and Ben startles, looking up his laptop.

“Hi,” Ben says. “Uh, good— good morning,” he says, clearly surprised to see Rami up.

Rami looks around, seeing the McDonald’s on the table around Ben. “Is some of that supposed to be for me?” he asks.

Ben smiles a bit, and then nods. “Uh, yes, please,” he says, “I ordered enough. It’s a bit…cold now, though.”

Rami shrugs, and tugs a chair out from the dining table, sitting down. “That’s fine,” he says softly.

Joe looks at Ben, and makes a bit of a face, and then sits down at the table as well. “What about me?” he asks.

“No, sorry,” Ben says, shaking his head. “Just for Rami.”

“Well, fuck you too, then,” Joe jokes, then looks over at Rami, and immediately looks guilty. “Sorry,” he says.

Rami shrugs. “It’s alright,” he says softly, unwrapping a breakfast sandwich, taking a bite.

Ben and Joe glance at each other, seemingly having a silent conversation, and Rami picks up on it, looking back and forth between them.

“You don’t have to do that,” Rami says, “if you want to say something, just _say_ it.”

“I’m just,” Ben looks down, swallowing hard, “surprised to see you up, is all. Wasn’t expecting it. I…sorry.”

Rami nods once. “I’m— I don’t know,” he says. “I…have you talked to Gwil?” he asks.

Ben shakes his head. “No,” he says softly. “He came out, a bit ago, went to the loo. Didn’t come down, though.” He looks over at Joe, and can’t stand the look of almost-pity on his face, and he looks back down.

“I’m sorry,” Rami says.

Ben scoffs, shaking his head. “God no, don’t apologize to me today,” he says, “I wouldn’t be able to stand it.” Rami bites down on his lip, and looks away. Ben watches him for a moment and then straightens up. “I mean, sorry,” Ben says, “I— uh, I’m trying to not— what I mean is—”

“It’s fine,” Rami says softly, and he shifts in his seat. He sighs and drops his sandwich, and pushes his chair back from the table, brushing Joe off when he reaches out to him. “I’m _fine_,” he says, walking out of the dining room.

Joe and Ben look at each other, and Joe glances towards the hallway, then just hangs his head. “I don’t know what to do,” he says softly, and Ben nods.

“Neither do I,” he says.

Joe shakes his head. “I— I just don’t know,” he says.

“It’s an odd day,” Ben says. “I…was surprised to see him at all.”

“And Gwil didn’t come down?” Joe asks. Ben shakes his head. “You gonna go up?”

Ben shrugs. “No,” he says. “He obviously doesn’t want to see me.”

Joe sighs. “Ben, I told you, that doesn’t _mean_—”

“It means _something_,” Ben snaps, and then he looks down. “Sorry. I— I’m being selfish. He…of course. He can be alone. That’s fine.” He sighs. “It’s not about me.”

“Ben,” Joe says softly. He pushes his chair back and walks over to Ben, crouching down by his chair, resting his hand on Ben’s knee. 

“Please don’t,” Ben murmurs.

“Ben,” Joe says again.

“Joe, it’s not about us today, alright?” Ben says. “Just— just leave it.”

Joe opens his mouth to say something, but then they hear the sound of the television from the living room, and they both jerk, looking in that direction. “Shit,” Joe says, standing up, hurrying away. Ben follows after him, and they stop as they see that the television is still on the news, Rami sitting on the sofa, watching the same interview with Hartstone being played again. “Shit,” Joe says again, and Rami glances over at them.

“It’s fine,” Rami says. “It’s— it’s newsworthy, I suppose.” He frowns briefly. “Do they know where we live?” he asks.

“Babe, if the press show up here, I will fucking kill them,” Joe says.

“It should be fine,” Ben says. “No— your address would be in Joe’s employee files but there would be policies about who has access to that information.”

“Did you write those policies?” Joe asks.

“No,” Ben says, shifting on his feet. After a couple moments, he says, “I did update them, though.”

“Course you did,” Joe says, smirking over at him.

Rami sits forward a bit, eyes focused on the television. 

“Babe, we don’t have to watch this,” Joe says, stepping forward, but Rami just shakes his head.

“I want to,” Rami says. “I want to hear what they say.”

“Okay,” Joe says, sighing a bit.

Ben shifts again, glancing upstairs, biting on his lip.

“You gonna go check on him?” Joe asks quietly, and Ben shakes his head.

“No,” he says, “no, he— doesn’t want to see me,” Ben says again. He swallows hard and then turns and walks out of the living room, heading back to the dining room.

Joe watches Ben for a moment, and then lets out a heavy breath, sitting down on the sofa next to Rami. He doesn’t want to watch the news, he’d rather they were watching literally anything else, but Rami seemingly can’t take his eyes off it. He opens his mouth to speak, wanting to apologize, but then he just shuts up, and settles back against the sofa.

They finish watching Hartstone’s interview, and Joe keeps watching Rami, keeps seeing his knees nervously bouncing, his fingers drumming against this thighs. He frowns, confused, worried. Rami’s not usually one for _this_ much endless energy. He’s not like Joe, he can sit still.

“Babe?” Joe asks when the television cuts to commercial. Rami glances over at him. “Do you want me to get you something?” he asks.

Rami shakes his head. “No. Like what?”

Joe shrugs. “Just…anything. You wanna go outside for a bit? We can go for a walk, or a— a run.”

Rami shakes his head again. “No, I’m fine,” he says softly. “I— what’s for lunch?” he asks.

Joe glances towards the dining room. “I…don’t know,” he says. “More takeout, I guess. Did you want me to make you something?”

“No, I’m not hungry,” Rami says.

Joe frowns again; if Rami’s not hungry, why is he asking about what’s for lunch? “Okay,” he says.

“Is Ben okay?” Rami asks.

Joe glances towards the dining room again. “I…don’t know,” he admits. “I’m not sure.”

“Are you going to check on him?” Rami asks.

Joe sighs a bit. “I don’t think he wants me to right now, babe. I know this isn’t…but he’s still just dealing with some shit.”

“Maybe I’ll talk to him,” Rami says, pushing himself up, but Joe stops him, reaching out to grasp onto his hand. “What?” Rami asks.

“Just,” Joe shrugs, “don’t worry about him right now. Are _you_ o—”

Rami snatches his hand back from him. “Joe, I’m trying, alright? I’m perfectly fine except you won’t leave me alone!” His eyes fill with tears and he immediately turns away, embarrassed, and then hurries back up the stairs.

“Rami,” Joe says, standing up. “Rami!”

“Leave me alone!” Rami yells after him, and he slams the bedroom door behind him.

Footsteps hurry into the living room, and Joe looks over at Ben. “What the bloody hell was that about?” Ben asks.

Joe shakes his head, dropping back down on the sofa. “I don’t know,” he says. “I— I fucked up.”

Ben sighs. “I think…we’re _all_ a little on edge today,” he says, sitting down beside Joe.

Joe sniffles, bringing his feet up onto the sofa. “I just…I _want_ to help,” he says, and Ben nods.

“I know,” he says.

“I feel so fucking guilty,” Joe continues, “if I can’t help him feel better than what’s the point?”

“Guilty for what?” Ben asks.

Joe lets out a pathetic laugh, looking over at Ben. “You know what,” he says.

“I really don’t,” Ben says. “Joe, you've done nothing wrong.”

“I love him,” Joe says, wiping at his face with his sleeve. “And I wouldn’t trade him for the _world_ and—”

“Joe, that’s— that’s nothing to feel guilty about,” Ben says. “He…he knows. That’s…we all know, nobody’s _happy_—”

“I think am, though,” Joe says, shaking his head. “I— it’s fucking awful but I think I am.”

“You’re not,” Ben says. “Joe, you know you’re not. There’s a difference between being happy you’re with him and being happy that— _this_ happened.”

Joe shakes his head. “I don’t know,” he says, “I don’t know.” He sniffles. “Aren’t you?” he asks.

Ben shrugs. “I’m— of course, I’m happy for you and Rami, you know that.”

Joe frowns a bit. “No, I meant—”

“No,” Ben says. “I’m not.”

“But you love him,” Joe says softly.

Ben nods. “Yeah, I know, I do,” he says. “And that means I’d…if there was a way to send him back, I…would.” He looks down at his lap, playing with the drawstring on his pyjamas. “No point, really, unless we’ve somehow figured out time travel and I missed it.”

“Would you really?” Joe asks in disbelief.

Ben shrugs. “Yeah, course I would,” he says. “He misses Roger.”

“But he loves _you_,” Joe says.

“He loves us both,” Ben says. “And he loves him more.”

“That’s not true,” Joe says insistently, shaking his head. “Ben, _please_—”

They both turn and look when they hear a thump from upstairs. “What was that?” Ben asks, glancing at Joe.

Joe frowns. “I don’t know,” he says.

Upstairs, Rami had been looking at his phone, reading news articles about the Mercury, the one-year anniversary. Then all of a sudden, sick of it, he threw his phone onto the nightstand. But it didn’t break. Nothing breaks. He wants it all to break. He imagines himself standing up and throwing the phone against the wall until it smashes, and then kicking the wall itself until his foot goes through it. He wants to scream. He wants to break down. He wants to feel better but instead he just feels like _shit_ so he just curls up on his side, starting to sob.

He hates it, he hates this, he hates himself. He should be better, why isn’t he better? It’s been a year, so why does this still hurt so fucking much? He has Gwil, his best mate. He has Ben, whom he loves dearly. He has Joe, his fucking _fiancé_ for christ’s sake, _why_? Why does this still happen, why does he still feel this way?

He grabs one of his pillows and wraps his arms around it. He cries into it for awhile, tears soaking the fabric, and then he brings it up to his mouth and screams into it. He bites his teeth into it, making his jaw hurt a bit, and then he throws it away, clattering against his dresser. He sobs again, clutching at his bedsheets.

“Babe?” Joe calls softly through the door. “Rami?”

“Leave me alone,” Rami mutters. 

“Are you okay?” Joe asks.

Rami groans. “_Leave me alone_,” he says again. Rami pushes himself up, hurrying over the door, thinking that he’s going to tell Joe off, but then he hears his footsteps walking away. Joe actually listened for once. Rami starts to pace around wildly, everything in his body feeling like it’s about to explode. Rami screams in frustration and storms back over to the bed. But instead of jumping on it, he just pushes at the mattress, pushes until it juts out and hits the nightstand beside it. Then he keeps pushing it until the lamp on top of the nightstand falls over. Then he pushes, _hard_, until the nightstand itself topples over. He storms over, seeing that the lamp didn’t break, and then he picks it up, screaming as he throws it at the wall. The lampshade hits first, so the lamp just falls to the ground, and still it doesn’t break. Instead of trying again, he grabs onto the drawer in the nightstand, already half out anyway, and pulls it out, throwing it across the room. The corner of the drawer hits the wall, and there’s a clear dent there now that makes Rami feel both satisfied and horrified that he’s damaged his and Joe’s home. So he just kicks at the mattress and pushes it again until all of a sudden, he stops. He sits on the floor, his tears no longer coming. He doesn’t feel that angry anymore, or that sad. He just feels empty. 

New tears prickle at his eyes at the thought that he’s _empty_, but they don’t fall. He just sits there, breathing slowly calming, his heart no longer pounding. Now that the extremes of rage and being brokenhearted are gone, he just feels embarrassed. Ashamed that he acted that way, like a child having a tantrum. Without any reason. Joe is going to come back up here and see the mess he’d made, the small hole in the wall, and Rami won’t have any explanation for it other than everything just started to _hurt_.

He brings his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them, and he just starts to cry, shoulders shaking. He sniffles and wipes at his cheeks, burying his face in his knees, trying to make himself as small as possible. Why can’t he just be _happy_ for once?

\+ + + + +

Ben watches Joe pace back and forth in front of him, tears running down his cheeks. Joe had gone up to try to speak to Rami, but the door was locked and Rami wasn’t letting him in. But they both heard the sounds of destruction from inside. He tried comforting Joe, but Joe had just shrugged him off. Ben’s not used to Joe being the one who needs comfort, it’s usually the other way around. And Ben _wants_ to help; hell, he’d do anything to take his mind off his own feelings, but Joe won’t let him. Gwil won’t let him.

Ben glances upstairs, frowning a bit. He pushes himself up, sighing. He’s got to try, at least. He glances back at Joe as he starts heading up the stairs, gripping onto the railing. He takes a deep breath and walks over, knocking on the door. “It’s Ben,” he says, “can you let me in?” He waits for a moment. “I just want to talk.” There are footsteps on the other side of the door, and then surprisingly, it unlocks.

Rami pulls the door open, looking at Ben, and Ben’s heart just about shatters. He’s never seen Rami like this; he's not sure he’s ever seen _anyone_ like this. He looks like death. Then Ben looks past Rami, into the room, and he draws a sharp breath. He sees everything on the floor, the mattress half-pushed off the frame, then looks back at Rami. “Are you okay?” he asks softly.

Rami just blinks a couple times and nods. “Yeah, I’m fine,” he says. He sniffles and wipes at his face. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Ben asks. “Jesus, what— Rami, are you okay?” he asks again.

Rami nods. He bites down on his lip, and then glances over at the wall. 

Ben looks, following Rami’s eyes, seeing the dent in the wall, the drawer on the floor beneath it. Rami wipes at his face again and walks into the bedroom, collapsing on the floor against the mattress, looking up at Ben. Ben walks in, closing the door behind him, and sits down carefully next to Rami.

“I’m sorry,” Rami says softly, and Ben’s heart clenches a bit. “I didn’t mean to.”

“Hey, it’s alright,” Ben says. “We can get it fixed, it’s not a problem.”

“I shouldn’t have done it,” Rami continues, seemingly ignoring Ben. “Fuck, I’m so sorry.”

Ben nods, and wraps his arms around Rami, pulling him in towards his chest. “You don’t have to apologize,” he says. “It’s alright.” Rami nods, and snuggles against Ben. They sit there in silence for awhile, Rami not in the mood to talk and Ben having no idea what to say. Rami curls against his chest, distracting himself with the fabric of Ben’s shirt, picking at it and then smoothing his fingers over it. “Are you hungry?” Ben asks after awhile. Rami just shakes his head. “You didn’t eat much earlier.” Rami shrugs, and Ben doesn’t push it.

After a few minutes, Ben thinks that Rami has fallen asleep against him. He shifts a bit, and then Rami speaks up. “I’m tired,” he says, and Ben smiles.

“I know,” Ben says. “Come on, go downstairs, rest on the sofa, I’ll tidy up.”

Rami looks up at him, shaking his head. “I should…I should.”

“Should what?” Ben asks. “Clean up?” Rami nods. “No, don’t worry about it.”

Rami frowns, looking down, nervously picking at the skin around one of his nails. He glances over at the wall, then quickly looks down again. 

“What?” Ben asks.

Rami shakes his head, but he finally stands. He walks over to the wall, running his hands over the dent the drawer created, and he frowns.

Ben pushes himself up, walking over to the wall. “I admit,” he says, “I don’t know much about home repair, but I’m _pretty_ sure that’s an easy fix.”

“Joe’s going to be so angry with me,” Rami says, leaning against the wall.

“What, why?” Ben asks. Rami gestures around the room. “What do you expect him to do, break up with you because you knocked over a lamp?”

“I didn’t knock it over,” Rami says softly, “I threw it. I wanted to break it.”

Ben shrugs. “Okay, so you threw it. Not the worst thing anyone’s ever done, I’d wager.”

Rami sniffles, wiping at his face. “I wanted to be okay today,” he says. “I _tried_. I thought I would be.”

Ben shakes his head. “You can’t predict how you’ll react, Rami. And that’s fine. It’s— it’s the first anniversary. Maybe next year you’ll be brilliant. Maybe it’ll be like this again. That’s okay, either way.” He gives him a quick smile and then walks around, starting to tidy up after Rami.

“Is he angry with me?” Rami asks. “For not letting him in?”

“Angry?” Ben asks, picking the lamp up. “God no. I can’t imagine Joe being angry with you.”

“I want to be better. Why aren’t I better?” Rami sniffles. “I’m _fine_. I should be fine now.”

“Rami, you _are_ fine,” Ben says. “There’s nothing wrong with getting upset every once in awhile. Do you know how well you’re doing? God, if— you have no idea how strong you are, Rami.”

“I don’t feel that way right now,” Rami says, and he leans down, starting to fix the mattress.

Ben hurries over, helping him lift it back up onto the frame, smoothing out the sheets, fixing the blankets and grabbing the pillows off the floor. “That’s alright,” Ben says. “Tomorrow will be better.”

“If it’s not?” Rami asks.

Ben shrugs. “Then the day after that, maybe.”

“It’s just a day,” Rami says, sitting down on the bed. “Why is— yesterday, I was fine. Until we went to bed. Now I can't tell if I actually am this sad, or if I just think I should be.”

Ben shrugs, sitting down next to him. “Either way, it’s alright,” he says. “It’s okay to be sad.”

“Are you sad?” Rami asks.

Ben huffs a quiet noise, shrugging again. “A bit, yeah,” he says.

“Why?” Rami asks.

Ben shakes his head. “Just…am,” he says. He sighs, and then has to stifle a yawn, turning away from Rami. “Sorry,” he says sheepishly.

“It’s okay,” Rami says. “Are you tired?”

“Yeah, a bit,” Ben says, and he looks up at the bedroom door, and Rami knows that he’s thinking he wishes he could go climb into the other bed with Gwil instead.

“Me too,” Rami says. He smiles and then tugs at the blankets, pushing himself up. “It’s alright, if you want to rest,” he says, curling onto his side.

“Joe won’t get jealous?” Ben asks, smiling.

Rami shrugs. “You’ve slept with Joe, I’ve slept with Gwil…”

Ben chuckles softly, and rests beside Rami. “This makes it about even then, I’d say.”

Rami smiles, his eyelids heavy, shifting a bit closer to him. “I’m sorry about Gwil,” he says, and Ben draws a sharp breath, nodding.

“Not your fault,” he says softly.

“He loves you,” Rami continues. “Please don’t doubt that.”

“Let’s just rest, yeah?” Ben asks, shifting on the mattress. “Maybe it’ll be better when we wake up?”

Rami blinks slowly, then nods a couple times. “Alright,” he says. “Maybe we can sleep until tomorrow.”

Ben smiles. “Well, it’s barely noon,” he says, “so I’d be impressed if we could.”

Rami laughs softly. “Well, I don’t mind trying.”

“Alright,” Ben says, “neither do I.”

\+ + + + +

Gwil feels warm, but whenever he kicks the blankets off, he gets a chill again, and then he just gets annoyed. Plus, Augie is too close to him, his tail hitting him in the face every once in awhile whenever Augie’s feeling playful, but he doesn’t have the heart to force the cat out of bed. Especially not since this is Augie’s room. A whole room to himself! And Gwil’s just borrowing it.

Gwil pushes himself up, just a bit, wrapping his arms around one of the pillows. He stares at the bedroom door, wondering what’s going on beyond it. He’d woken back up to the sounds of…something, across the hall, he thinks. Yelling, and banging. He has no idea what it was. But it went quiet awhile ago. He assumes it was Rami, and he wonders if Joe calmed him down, took care of him like Ben wanted to take care of Gwil. _God, Ben_, Gwil thinks, and he immediately feels heavy and sick with guilt. Ben had tried comforting him this morning, and Gwil had basically kicked him out. Ben, who’s already so insecure, and spent so much time comparing himself to Roger, even if it’s been better recently. What he must think about Gwil burying himself in the room, crying over Roger, when Ben’s right there.

He thinks about getting up. Going downstairs, finding Ben, and just snuggling against him. Finding Rami, and telling him it will all be alright. He thinks it will be, honestly. Part of him wants to think that this is just a day. It’s not the day Roger actually died, or Sami. It’s not the day they found out; they were kept in isolation for days before that happened. It’s not the day the IIS realized what happened. It’s just the day they came back. That’s…really, all in all, maybe that’s not such a bad day. 

Then another wave of guilt crashes over him. How can he think that? How can he even say something like that? It feels disrespectful to everyone they lost to think that this isn’t a bad day. Gwil sits up, bringing his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around his legs and starting to cry again.

He cries long enough that he starts to feel pathetic again. He can’t control his emotions, they’re swinging back and forth between guilty and depressed, then just…pitiful. He lifts his face, wiping at his eyes. He doesn’t _want_ to feel like this. He imagines if Roger were here he’d sit down on the mattress, help wipe his face off, and then tell him to get arse out of bed and get downstairs. Roger would never want this sort of reaction; sure, he wouldn’t mind the attention being on him for a bit, but he’d think that this is just sad.

Gwil takes a few deep breaths, and then slowly stands up, sniffling. He reaches out for the door, and then anxiety takes over and he whimpers softly, starting to pace around near the door. He thinks he hears something, and then he stops walking, holding his breath, leaning towards the door. He’s not sure what it was, maybe footsteps on the stairs, Rami or Joe running up to grab something from their bedroom. Then Gwil glances behind him, realizing with a start that he has no idea what Ben put on for clothes when he left the room, but if he’s too cold, or too warm, he hasn’t been able to get back in yet to change. Because Gwil’s locked the door and told him to leave him alone. Gwil looks down and then in an instant before he can change his mind, he opens the door. Just a bit. Not enough to change the world. Nothing happens.

Gwil takes another deep breath and then pulls the door open, taking one step out into the hallway. Then another. He quietly walks to the end of the hall, peering out over the balcony. He sees Joe sitting there, the television on, but there’s no Ben or Rami. Gwil frowns, and leans forward a bit, trying to see if he can see either of them. Then there’s a creak and Joe turns, looking up at him. Gwil immediately feels like shrinking back, and he looks down, wiping at his face.

He doesn’t saying anything, but Joe keeps his eyes on him, and finally Gwil starts to make his way downstairs, gripping tightly at the railing. He can feel himself starting to shake, he needs to go back upstairs, why did he ever leave the goddamn bedroom, why did he think it was okay to come down? It’s not, it’s not, he _hates_ this—

He stops at the bottom of the stairs, starting to cry again, hot tears spilling over his cheeks. He drops down, sitting on the bottom step as he keeps crying. His shoulders shake as he presses his hands to his face, and after a few moments, he feels a hand rest on his shoulder. He sniffles and looks up, expecting to see Rami or Ben, but when he blinks away his tears he sees that it’s Joe, crouched in front of him.

“Can I get you anything?” Joe asks softly, and Gwil shakes his head, unable to speak. “What do you need?” he asks, and Gwil shakes his head again, reaching up to wipe at his cheeks. “Do you wanna sit with me?”

Gwil sniffles and glances to the side, looking at the sofa. His head drops forward again and he starts to cry.

“Okay,” Joe says softly, carefully wrapping his arms around Gwil’s shoulders, pulling him in. “It’s alright,” he whispers, “it’s okay.”

Gwil sniffles loudly and gasps as he tries to catch his breath. He’s not sure what’s happening; just seconds ago he left his room and he was fine, but now, he’s falling apart, breaking down right in front of Joe. He’s embarrassed that Joe’s watching this happen, and wants nothing more than to drag himself back upstairs, but somehow, turning around and fleeing seems even worse.

“Do you want me to go get Ben?” Joe asks, and Gwil cries out, clutching at Joe. He doesn’t want Ben to see him like _this_. “Okay, okay,” Joe says, rubbing Gwil’s back. Joe shushes him, starting to rock him just a bit, still rubbing his back, and holding Gwil to his chest, until Gwil’s cried himself out, and he just buries his face in Joe’s hoodie, cheeks drying, breath calming. They sit there, Joe in front of Gwil, Gwil on the bottom step, hunched over to hold onto Joe, for awhile longer, Joe reaching up to gently play with Gwil’s hair.

“If you’re hungry,” Joe says after awhile, “we’ve got leftover McDonald’s.”

Gwil has to smile a bit at that. He _is_ hungry, but that’s also not what he thought he was in the mood for. Still, if that’s what’s on offer…Gwil sighs, shaking his head. “No, that’s alright,” he says, finally speaking.

“You’re not hungry?” Joe asks, pulling back a bit. “You haven’t eaten anything today.”

“I know,” Gwil says softly, “I am, I just…”

“I’ll order whatever you want,” Joe says quickly. “Uh, there’s the noodle place, there’s Five Guys, ooh, Nando’s! Or the oyster bar.”

“I don’t want oysters,” Gwil says. “I…I don’t know.”

“The Italian place across the street?” Joe asks, and Gwil smiles a bit again.

“If you want,” Gwil says, and Joe smiles back.

“Okay, we’ll do that,” Joe says. “Real fucking fancy.”

Gwil sighs, wiping at his face, then sniffles. “Where are they?” he asks.

“Uh, bed, I think,” Joe says, glancing upstairs. “Rami…he’s having a tough time. Ben went up to be with him.”

“Why not you?” Gwil asks, and he can see that that hurts Joe, and he feels guilty immediately. “I’m sorry.”

Joe shakes his head a bit. “No, it’s— I don’t know. I think I’m too clingy. I ask him, too much, if he’s okay. Bothers him.”

Gwil smiles. “I don’t think you’re too much,” he says.

“Yeah?” Joe asks, smiling back. “That’s— thanks. I guess I just…don’t know how to act. I don’t know how to help.”

“He knows,” Gwil says, nodding. “He’s…I’m sure he’s just tired.”

“Are you okay?” Joe asks.

“I don’t know,” Gwil says softly, and Joe frowns, reaching out to squeeze Gwil’s shoulder.

“That’s okay,” Joe says. “It’s a weird day. I think…all four of us are kind of disasters.”

Gwil nods. “That’s an everyday thing, though.” He wipes at his face, drying tears starting to make his cheeks itch. “How can I have spent so long in bed and still be so tired?” he murmurs, resting his forehead against Joe’s shoulder.

“Come on then,” Joe says, “up up, big guy.” Joe stands up and then leans down to help Gwil stand as well. He walks with Gwil over to the sofa, and then sits down. “Come on, get comfy,” he says, and Gwil sits down next to him, bringing up his feet. 

Gwil shifts a few times, trying to get comfortable, but his eyes are still heavy and he just wants to curl up on the sofa. He looks at Joe, and then he shifts a bit more, laying down, resting his head on Joe’s thigh. “Is this okay?” he asks softly.

“Yeah, sure thing,” Joe says softly, starting to play with Gwil’s hair again. “I don’t think our friend group has any boundaries left, so.”

Gwil smiles at that, closing his eyes. He can feel himself starting to drift off. He can still feel Joe, still hear him softly talking to him, but at the same time, it all sort of fades away. A couple times he feels like he’s falling and he jolts back awake, but then he just closes his eyes again. Once he’s done napping, he keeps his eyes closed, just enjoying the feeling of being so close to someone. He thinks of Ben, upstairs with Rami, and smiles faintly. “I love him so much,” Gwil says softly, and he can feel Joe shift, his hand dropping from Gwil’s head. 

“Uh, I—” Joe gently clears his throat. “I know, I’m…sorry.”

Gwil frowns a bit, lifting his head up. “What do you mean?” he asks. He sees Joe look away briefly, looking a bit uncomfortable.

“I know you miss him,” Joe says, “and I know you love him, but I just— Ben’s my best friend, and I…he already feels bad enough as it is—”

“I’m _talking_ about Ben,” Gwil says, sitting up.

“Oh,” Joe says. “I— well, I thought you meant Roger.”

“What— what does he feel bad about?” Gwil asks. “Is he alright?”

“I, yeah,” Joe says. “Or, I don’t know. He’s…upset. That you didn’t want to see him.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt him,” Gwil says. “I—”

“I told him that,” Joe says. “That you just needed a minute. That it didn’t mean anything, but then— then he said…uh.”

“What?” Gwil asks.

Joe just quickly shakes his head. “Nothing,” he says. “It’s…not for me to… I, uh. About Roger.”

“_What_?” Gwil asks again.

“I don’t know if I should tell you,” Joe says.

Gwil glances towards the bedrooms upstairs, and then moves to push himself up. 

“_Wait_,” Joe says, reaching out to grab onto Gwil’s arm. “Just…leave it for now, okay? They’re sleeping, I think. Please.”

Gwil frowns a bit and then sighs, settling back down next to Joe. “Alright,” he says.

“Thank you,” Joe says. “Thank you, I appreciate it.”

Gwil groans softly, scrubbing his hand over his face. “Upstairs, I was in bed, thinking it’s just…” He shakes his head a bit. “It’s just a day,” he says. “It’s just a day. It’s not even that important of a day. By the time we got back, Roger had been gone for decades. I didn’t lose him today.” Gwil sniffles. “I lost him the day I left.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Joe asks, reaching his hand out, resting it on Gwil’s shoulder.

Gwil shrugs. “I…I feel terrible. I _miss_ Roger, and my family, and Sami, but I miss them every day. Today, a year ago today, I wasn’t sure I’d ever see Rami again.” He reaches up, wiping at his eyes. Joe frowns, squeezing Gwil’s shoulder. “They took us off the ship, and three men grabbed me. They grabbed all of us. Had a gun on me, forced me into a van. I was terrified, I— I didn’t know what was happening, or where they were taking me. And of course, I— wanted to see Rog, I wanted to be with him, but, I wasn’t _scared_ for him. I was terrified for Rami. They— I heard him yell. The last thing I heard was him screaming my name.” Tears are running down Gwil’s face again, and he sniffles, wiping at his cheeks. He looks over at Joe, who has tears running down his face as well. “So— sorry,” he says. “I shouldn’t have said that. I don't want you to ever think about Rami like that.”

“It’s okay,” Joe says softly. “I want you to talk about what you want to talk about.”

Gwil swallows hard. “I just want Rami to be alright,” he says. “That’s all. That’s all today means to me now.”

“Ben’s taking care of him,” Joe says. “He’s in good hands.”

“Why is Ben upset?” Gwil asks.

“Gwil, I—”

“Please, Joe,” Gwil says. “Please tell me.”

Joe bites his lip and glances towards the staircase. “He told me if…” He swallows hard. “If he could, he’d send you back. To Roger.”

“Why?” Gwil asks.

Joe shrugs. “Because he knows how much you love him.”

“I love _Ben_,” Gwil says.

“I know that,” Joe says, “he does too. He loves you enough to let you go.”

Gwil scoffs. “That’s— that’s a stupid conversation,” he says. “There’s no point. Why’d he even bring it up?”

Joe looks down guiltily. “Because I…told him that I’m happy. That sometimes I’m happy, about what happened. That he’s here, that— even though he lost everything, being with him, that’s…more important to me.” He looks up at Gwil, expecting to face his anger. “I’m sorry. It’s— it’s hard, because it’s not just Rami, it’s you, and everyone. It’s— I’m a piece of shit, it’s alright, you can say it.”

“I wouldn’t,” Gwil says. He looks away uncomfortably. “At…one point, I would have. I think we both know that. I think I’m the bigger piece of shit than you.”

Joe groans. “Why— why did we let this happen to us? Yesterday, we were fine! Fuck, we were normal. We can’t let one day fuck us up like this. What happens next year? We just do this again? What about when Rami and I have a kid? Or you and Ben, we just— break down and let the baby cry it out in the corner?”

Gwil sighs, collapsing back against the sofa, settling against Joe. “We’ll be better.”

“How do you know that?” Joe asks.

Gwil shrugs. “I don’t know,” he says softly. “Can’t be worse. When I started therapy, in Perth, when I was— when I wouldn’t leave my room. My doctor told me that the first year is the worse, because every day, you’re taking it for the first time. I behaved worse on Roger’s birthday than I ever thought I would, but now I know better. I have a better idea of what I need to do on that day to be alright. That’s…Sami’s birthday, holidays. Every day, we’ve done it once now. And now we can get better. _Really_ get better.”

Joe looks up at Gwil, blinking a couple times. “You’re like, _really_ smart,” he says, and Gwil scoffs, smiling as he rolls his eyes.

“I’m not,” Gwil says. “I took all of this so much harder than I had any right to. The things I did, and said, the way I hurt all of you, I— it was the worst year of my life, and most of it was my own bloody fault.”

“I don’t blame you,” Joe says, and Gwil’s eyes widen a bit. “I mean, yeah, I do,” he says, quickly correcting himself, “like, a lot. But I also know _why_, you know. Not an excuse, just an explanation.” Joe shakes his head. “Do you think I fucked up?” he asks quietly.

“No,” Gwil says. “I don’t think…no. I can’t imagine you did anything to hurt Rami today.”

“Why doesn’t he want to speak to me then?” Joe asks.

“I don’t know,” Gwil says. “I think he does, I think he just…he just needs a bit of time.”

Joe takes a deep breath, sighing. “Okay,” he says. “Do you, should we…” Gwil looks over at him. “I’m fucking hungry, can we go out, please?”

Gwil chuckles. “I wouldn’t mind that,” he says. “Let’s…I just got to get changed.”

“Okay,” Joe says, and he watches as Gwil pushes himself up, hurrying up the stairs.

Gwil heads into the spare bedroom, flicking on the light. As he turns to close the door behind him, he freezes. “Hi,” he says.

“Hi,” Rami says softly, lifting his hand. He quietly closes his bedroom door behind him, then turns back to Gwil, stepping out into the hall. “Ben’s still sleeping,” he says.

“Are you alright?” Gwil asks.

Rami shrugs. “No. Yes. I don’t know.” He shakes his head a bit. “I thought I was. I wanted to be. It didn’t go as well as I’d hoped. You?”

Gwil sighs. “I’m…well, I think I ruined Joe’s hoodie, I cried so hard into it.”

Rami smiles faintly at that. “He’s a good hugger, though.”

“Oh, the best,” Gwil says, smiling back.

“Are you,” Rami gestures towards Gwil, “what are you doing?” he asks.

“Joe and I were going out to get something to eat,” Gwil says. “Late lunch.”

“Oh,” Rami says, surprised. “So you’re, you’re fine then.”

Gwil shakes his head. “Not really. I don’t know. Just hungry. Do you want to come with us?” he asks.

Rami shakes his head, glancing back at his bedroom. “No,” he says, “I…I don’t want to leave Ben.”

“Alright,” Gwil says. “Joe and I are just getting takeaway, we’ll be back soon. Is there anything you’d like?”

“No, anything is fine,” Rami says. “Ben got us breakfast, I hardly ate any of it.”

“I haven’t had anything yet,” Gwil says.

Rami bites down on his lip, and briefly looks away, and then makes a soft sound of surprise when Gwil moves forward, wrapping his arms around him.

“I love you,” Gwil says, and Rami nods, clutching at Gwil’s shirt.

“I love you, too,” Rami says softly. “I love you so much.”

“I’m so sorry,” Gwil says, “I’m so sorry for how I’ve behaved.”

“I forgive you,” Rami says, pulling back, looking up at Gwil. “I forgave you months ago.”

“And I still feel guilty for it,” Gwil says. “This year, I— if it weren’t for you, Rami, I’d…”

“I don’t know where I’d be without you,” Rami says. “Gwil, you’re— you’re everything to me.”

“Well, not _everything_, I hope,” Gwil says jokingly. “You’ve got a fiancé downstairs who’s worried about you.”

Rami guiltily glances down towards the end of the hallway. “I have to speak to him,” he says. Gwil nods. “Are you, you’re both going?” he asks.

Gwil smiles. “Well, we _were_,” he says. “But, if you’d like, I can leave.”

“I didn’t mean—”

“No, no, that’s fine,” Gwil says, smiling at him. “I know where I’m not wanted.”

“I didn’t _mean_ it,” Rami says, playfully swinging his arm at Gwil. “I’d— I’d like to spend time with you, as well,” he says.

Gwil nods. “We will. I promise. I’ll— you go be with Joe.”

“And Ben?” Rami asks.

Gwil swallows. “When he wakes up, I— the two of us need to speak.”

“Good,” Rami says. “Good.” He leans up and gives Gwil another hug, and then turns, walking down the hallway. He glances over the balcony at Joe, then walks down the stairs. 

“You ready?” Joe asks, lifting his head up from his phone. “Babe, I— I didn’t know you were awake.”

“That’s alright,” Rami says, coming over to the sofa, sitting down next to him. “I asked Gwil if I could keep you here,” he says, curling against him. 

“And what’d he say?” Joe asks.

Rami smiles, resting his head against Joe’s chest, practically crawling on his lap, he’s sitting so close to him. “That he knows where he’s not wanted.”

Joe laughs at that, wrapping his arms around Rami. “Good, get him out of here. I hate that guy.” A couple seconds later, they hear footsteps on the stairs, and Joe looks up. “You’re abandoning me, big guy?” he asks.

Gwil smiles, having quickly gotten dressed. “Can’t let us waste away,” he says.

“We could order in,” Joe suggests, and Gwil shakes his head.

“No, no, I’ll be alright,” he says. “I need the fresh air, to think. I’ll be back. You two talk.”

“Thank you,” Joe says, and Gwil smiles at him. He turns back to Rami, looking down at him, smoothing his hand over Rami’s wild curls. “I like your hair grown out like this,” he says, and Rami smiles. “Sexy.”

Rami blushes a bit and buries his face in Joe’s chest. “I have to tell you something,” he says.

“Oh?” Joe asks. “Is it how sexy I am?”

“I dented the wall,” Rami says, and Joe immediately frowns.

“You what?” Joe asks.

“I threw a drawer,” Rami says. “I’m terribly sorry. I— I don’t— it can be fixed, I just…I was angry. I’m _so_ sorry, it’s—”

“It’s…okay,” Joe says. “I mean, it’s not great, but, it’s okay.”

“I’m so sorry,” Rami says, and his eyes fill with tears again. “I— this is our _home_, and I—”

“Hey, hey,” Joe says softly, brushing at Rami’s cheeks, “don’t cry, babe, I— I’m not angry.”

“I am,” Rami says, “I’m angry with myself, I just— I didn’t talk to you, I just ran off and I threw everything around, Ben had to help me clean it up, and—”

“He’s not angry either,” Joe says.

“I’m embarrassed,” Rami says, and he wipes at his eyes. “I’m so sorry. I…” He takes a deep breath. “When— the first time we were in our rooms, in Perth, after they told us the truth, I did the same thing. I threw everything around, I broke things.”

“Maybe something to talk about in therapy,” Joe murmurs.

“I don’t know how to control it sometimes,” Rami says. “I’m so sorry, Joe, this is our home, and I— I ruined it.”

“God, what’d you do, make a new window?” Joe asks. “How big is this fucking dent?”

“Just little,” Rami says. “But that’s not the point.”

“The point is you’re upset,” Joe says, “and it’s not the healthiest way to take care of it, but…we’re going to take care of it. I’m going to take care of you.”

Rami pulls back, lifting up his head. “I don’t— I don’t want this to just be you taking care of me,” he says. “I want to take care of you, too.” He kisses Joe, gently, reaching up to push his hair back from his forehead. “You’re going to be my husband.”

Joe smiles, nodding, kissing Rami again. “That’s the word on the street, anyway.”

“Are you okay?” Rami asks.

Joe scoffs. “Of course I am, babe,” he says. “I’m worried about you, why wouldn’t I be fine?”

“Because I can tell when you've been crying,” Rami says. “And you have been.”

Joe looks down at that. “It’s…not a big deal,” he says. “I was—”

“Upset with me,” Rami supplies, and Joe shakes his head.

“Upset with myself, more like,” Joe says. “Upset that I…that I got something, out of the worst thing that’s ever happened to you.”

“Joe, we’ve talked about this before,” Rami says. “Our first date, in the maze, remember? You said you were happy that I showed up here. That you got to meet me.” Joe nods, reaching up to wipe at his eyes. “Do you remember what I said?” he asks.

Joe nods again. “That you joined the Mercury for a better life.”

“_You’re_ my better life,” Rami says. “Joe, I’m happy here. I— and yes, I’m sad sometimes, but you don’t have to feel guilty.” He shifts on Joe’s lap. “Do you really think, after everything, that there’s anywhere else I’d rather be?”

“But Sami,” Joe says, and Rami nods.

“I know,” Rami says, “I know, and I— would do _anything_ to have him here with me. I miss him so much.” He sniffles, wiping quickly at his eyes. “But I wouldn’t go back. I’d bring him here, but I wouldn’t go back. I wouldn’t leave you.” He lets out a shaky breath. “I think that’s why I’m so upset today,” he says. “I feel guilty.”

“Hey, if I shouldn’t feel guilty, why should you?” Joe asks. “It’s not worth it, babe. Neither of us did anything wrong. We made the best of a shitty thing that happened, a _terrible_ thing that happened. But neither of us are to blame.”

“Well, I am,” Rami says. “For the dent.”

“Oh god, babe, forget about the dent,” Joe groans. “It'll take ten minutes to fix, I’m sure.” He pulls Rami in as close as he can, kissing the top of his head. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Rami says. “So much. Thank you for being with me.”

Joe smiles, burying his face in Rami’s curly hair. “We all know you’re dating down.”

“Joe!” Rami exclaims, pushing himself away from Joe. “_Stop_, I hate that.”

“Okay, I’m sorry,” Joe says, “I’m sorry. _I’m_ dating down.”

Rami rolls his eyes. “I thought we were having a serious conversation.”

“I’m seriously dating down,” Joe says.

“Okay, fine,” Rami says, moving to climb off Joe’s lap, but Joe just wraps his arms around him, holding him close.

“I’m sorry,” Joe says. “Humour, coping mechanism, no good.”

“No, it’s not,” Rami says.

“I’m sorry,” Joe says. “I…I’m sorry today sucked.”

Rami nods. “Me too,” he says. “I really thought I’d be okay.”

“It’s okay that you weren’t,” Joe says. “We’re…one day at a time, right? This was a bad day. Tomorrow might be better.”

Rami nods. “I think so,” he says. “That’s what Ben said too.”

Joe smiles. “He learned it from me.”

Rami smiles back. “I’m sure.” He settles back down, resting against Joe’s chest, closing his eyes. “Thank you for being my fiancé,” he says, “and loving me.”

Joe chuckles softly. “Babe, I’m not sure if you know but there’s literally nothing else in the world that I’d rather do.” He rubs his hand over Rami’s arm, snuggling into the sofa. “You know I— I almost proposed to you once before.”

Rami lifts his head. “Really?” he asks in surprise. “When?”

Joe smiles. “I shouldn’t tell you, because it wasn’t the _best_ timing in the world, but babe, I— getting to be your fiancé is like, the best thing I get to do.” He leans in to brush his lips over Rami’s. “And you know, I’m pretty sure wedding vows say something about for better or for worse.”

Rami nods. “I think they do,” he says, “I think you’re right.”

Joe shrugs. “So…today might be worse. Still not that bad. Doesn’t mean I haven’t wanted to marry you since like…a long time.” He grins. “You’re kind of the greatest person I know.”

Rami looks at him, and then slowly smiles. “I…thought about it, too,” he says. 

“What?” Joe asks.

“I— once I found out men could get married,” Rami says, “I— just thought of you. If…you would. If I asked.”

Joe smiles. “And why didn’t you?” he asks.

Rami shrugs. “I— guess I never really believed that…this could happen for me.” He shifts a bit. “I am happy, Joe. Never feel guilty.”

“Easier said than done,” Joe says.

“Please?” Rami asks.

“Well, when you say it like _that_,” Joe says, and Rami smiles. “I’d do anything for you, so…okay.”

Rami smiles, and closes his eyes again, settling back against Joe. “Okay,” he says softly, and Joe starts gently playing with Rami’s hair, until Rami’s just about asleep again.

\+ + + + +

Ben groans softly, shifting on the mattress. He blinks a couple times, eyes catching on the alarm clock. It’s late-afternoon, and he has done exactly nothing. Fuck, he thinks, and then pushes himself up. He’s sort of surprised to see that Rami’s gone, but he’s also relieved. He hopes that he’s downstairs with Joe. He rolls out of the bed, yawning and stretching as he stands up, going to the en suite bathroom to quickly pee and wash his hands. He looks at himself in the mirror. He looks tired. He takes a deep breath and scrubs his hand over his hair, then tries to flatten it down a bit.

He thinks about what he was doing a year ago. He and Joe had still been in London, he’d still been working with his supervisor and Hartstone to figure out what to do. Not that they did the right thing. Ben thinks he should have known then, hearing about the Mercury crew being taken at gunpoint into the Space Operations Centre, that he didn’t want to work there anymore. He should've fought harder for them to be treated better. He should have done more. He should’ve helped them, so that they didn’t get here, a year later, with Rami and Gwil still damaged by what’s happened.

Ben turns on the tap again and cups his hand under it, bringing it up a couple times to his mouth, trying to get rid of the stale dryness. He looks down at what he’s wearing, and sighs. He could probably try putting on an actual shirt, maybe some trousers. But Gwil…

Ben walks out of the bathroom, flicking off the lights, and crosses the bedroom. He opens the door and is surprised to see the door across the hallway open, and empty by the looks of it. Ben glances down the hallway, and then walks into the spare bedroom, looking around. The bed is messy, unmade. But Augie is sitting comfortably on one of the pillows, watching him. Ben smiles, sitting down on the mattress. “Hi boy,” he says softly, reaching out to pet him. Augie lifts his head and bumps his nose against Ben’s hand. “Hi, sleep well?” he asks. “Good.” 

Ben sighs, reaching up to scratch at the back of his neck. He pushes himself up and walks over to his bag, the one he’d packed yesterday before he and Gwil came over, and crouches down in front of it. He grabs a pale blue jumper and a pair of grey jeans, setting them down on the bed. With one hand, he grabs the neck of his shirt to start tugging it off, and with the other, he reaches out to push the door closed. 

“Oh, sorry, love,” Gwil says, pushing it open again. “I didn’t know you were in here,” he says.

Ben swallows hard, freezing as he looks at Gwil, still wet from a shower, a towel wrapped around his waist. “Hi,” he says after a couple moments.

“Hi,” Gwil says, looking down.

“Uh,” Ben glances towards the bed, then steps towards it. “Let me just grab this, I’ll get out of your way.”

“You don’t have to,” Gwil says quickly. “I don’t mind. It’s your room too. I should…” He glances back towards the hallway, and Ben shakes his head.

“Oh, no,” Ben says. “That’s— well, we can share, can’t we?” He gives Gwil a quick smile, and then looks away.

“Yes, I suppose we can,” Gwil says. He stands there for another moment before pushing the door closed and walking over to his bag, grasping onto his towel to make sure it stays on before he reaches down with the other hand, grabbing a clean shirt and a pair of trousers, and a pair of boxer-briefs. He glances over at Ben, who’s gotten down to just his underwear, turned, facing away from Gwil. 

Ben pulls on his jumper first, and then glances back over at Gwil, seeing him watching him. “What?” he asks.

“Nothing,” Gwil says, shaking his head. “That’s just a pretty colour on you, is all.”

Ben smiles a bit at that and looks down. “Thank you,” he says softly, then reaches out to grab his jeans.

“Oh, uh, there’s Italian downstairs,” Gwil says, unwrapping the towel from around his waist, using it to start drying off.

Ben scoffs a bit at that. “Yeah, I know,” he says. “His name’s Joe.”

“Ha ha,” Gwil says sarcastically. 

Ben glances over at Gwil, and then looks down again when he realizes that Gwil’s naked. He pulls on his jeans, hopping up a bit to pull them on. He swallows hard, then realizes he hasn’t grabbed his socks, but Gwil’s standing by both their bags. Oh well, he thinks, it can wait. “I’ll see you downstairs?” he asks, quickly moving towards the door.

“Oh,” Gwil says, “I— can we— talk?” he asks.

Ben stops, turning to look at him. “Uh, we can,” he says, “but…could you put your pants on first, at least?” he asks.

“Oh, ha, yes,” Gwil says, nodding quickly, glancing down.

Ben smiles and walks back over to the bed, sitting down. He watches Gwil for a few moments, biting down on his lip, then quickly looks down when he can tell Gwil’s about to turn towards him. He feels a bit dumb, feeling too shy to look at his boyfriend, but he folds his hands on his lap, looking down at them, until Gwil sits down next to him, dressed. Ben looks up, smiling at him. “How are you?” he asks.

Gwil shrugs, reaching up to push his fingers through his damp hair. “Honestly?” he asks.

“No, I want you to lie,” Ben says, and Gwil smiles, rolling his eyes.

“Alright, alright,” Gwil says. “Uh…I don’t know.” He looks down at his lap. “Honestly, I’m…not sure.”

“That’s okay,” Ben says.

“How are you?” Gwil asks, looking up. “Are you— are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Ben shrugs, “I— what would be wrong with me?”

Gwil shrugs. “Just…wasn’t sure, I guess,” he says, shifting on the mattress.

Ben looks at Gwil, and then looks down. “Did Joe say something?” he asks quietly.

“Yes,” Gwil says.

“Oh,” Ben replies. “Well.” He makes a quiet sound, then looks back up. “What did he say?” he asks.

“The truth, I assume,” Gwil says. He reaches over, taking Ben’s hand. “You know I love you, don’t you?” he asks, turning towards him.

Ben nods. “Yes, of course I do,” he says softly, looking down at Gwil’s hand on his.

“Then why would you say something like that?” Gwil asks.

Ben swallows hard, then bites down on his lip. He lifts his hand up to his mouth, starting to bite down on his thumb.

Gwil makes a soft sound, reaching out to take Ben’s hand away from his mouth. “Why do you do that, love?” he asks, smoothing his thumb over the back of Ben’s hand.

“I don’t know,” Ben says, shrugging. “Just…when I get nervous, or anxious, I guess.”

“And you’re nervous now?” Gwil asks, gently squeezing Ben’s hand. “Or anxious?”

“I don’t know,” Ben says again.

“Why?” Gwil asks.

Ben looks over at Gwil, a sad look on his face. “I thought you…I’m sorry, Gwil. I’m sorry, I— sometimes I think I’m better but obviously, I’m not, obviously, I’m just as fucked up as when Paul and I broke up, and—” He shakes his head. 

“What are you talking about?” Gwil asks, horrified. “Ben, what— you’re not fucked up, you _are_ better. I just— I just wanted to know why would you tell Joe that. I know I— I know today was hard, and I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” Ben says. “I— had no right to be upset today. I just…when you didn’t want to talk to me,” he says, “I thought I’d done something wrong.”

“That’s not it at all, love,” Gwil says.

“I was in the kitchen and I heard you up here, and you didn’t come down,” Ben continues, “you didn’t look for me at all, I thought…I just…thought you were upset. That I wasn’t him.”

“That’s not true,” Gwil says.

“Then what was it?” Ben asks. “Why—”

“I was embarrassed, love,” Gwil says. “I— I was an absolute disaster. I…couldn’t stop crying, I felt like shit, and I just really didn’t want you to see me like that.” He laughs softly, shaking his head. “God, I cried harder to Joe than I think I’ve cried in my life, I was…just embarrassed is all.” He looks over at Ben. “And I just…didn’t want to bother you with all of it.” He sighs. “I shouldn’t have told you to leave this morning. I’m sorry I didn’t— you just wanted to help. I’m sorry.” He smiles. “How’re our communications skills going?” he asks sarcastically.

Ben has to laugh at that. “Not great, I suppose,” he says. “At least not today.”

“It’s not too bad, though,” Gwil says. “It’s been worse.”

Ben laughs again, and he shifts, resting against Gwil’s side. He squeezes his hand, then looks down, frowning. “Gwil?” he asks.

“Yes, love,” Gwil says, turning to brush his lips over Ben’s forehead.

“Where’s your ring?” Ben asks. Gwil freezes. “Have you lost it?”

“My— oh, no,” Gwil says, shaking his head. “It’s just…” He glances towards his bag.

“What?” Ben asks, pulling back from him. “Why?” Gwil looks down at their hands, quiet, and Ben frowns. “Gwil?” he asks gently. “Why’d you take it off?”

Gwil sighs, and pushes himself up. He walks over to his bag, crouching down and unzipping one of the smaller pockets. He reaches inside and then turns around, walking back over to Ben, his fingers curled around it. 

Ben watches him, looking down at Gwil’s hand. “Are you going to put it on?” he asks.

Gwil opens his hand, looking down at his ring, and then shakes his head. “No, I— I don’t think so,” he says.

“Gwil, did something happen?” Ben asks. “I— I’m sort of confused, I think. Or, really confused? You were wearing it when we went to bed.”

“I was wearing it most of the day, actually,” Gwil says. “Until after I spoke with Joe.”

“Gwil, I—” Ben shakes his head. “Please forgive me, I didn’t— I’m sorry I said it, alright? I take it back. You didn’t have to take off your ring.”

“I know,” Gwil says. “I know, Ben, please— there’s nothing to forgive you for.” He looks down at his ring again. “Today, it being a year and all,” he starts, voice soft, “and hearing what you said, it just made me realize that maybe I’m still too tied to the past.” He looks up at Ben. “I’m with you, I love _you_.”

“I love you, too,” Ben says, “and I told you, I don’t want you to ever forget Roger. _Ever_.”

“I know,” Gwil says, “and…I won’t. I can’t. Even if I tried.” He smiles faintly, shaking his head. “Roger’s like that.” He studies the ring. “_I imagine I should like to meet the person you’ll spend the rest of your life with_,” he says quietly, and Ben frowns.

“What did you say?” he asks, leaning towards him.

“That’s what Roger said,” Gwil says. “_I imagine I should like to meet the person you’ll spend the rest of your life with_.” He looks up at Ben. “In the letters.”

“Ri— right,” Ben says. “I—” He laughs softly, shaking his head as tears come to his eyes. “When I…read them, I—” He nervously looks at Gwil. “That was the one that…hurt the most. I wanted that person to be me.”

Gwil smiles again. “It is you, love.”

Ben shakes his head. “Don’t say that,” he says.

“Why not?” Gwil asks, frowning. “It’s true.”

Ben takes a deep breath. He wipes at his eyes and pushes himself up, starting to pace around the room as Gwil watches. “It’s— you deserve— I— there’s something _wrong_ with me, Gwil, today just proves it, I’m— god, today was about you and Rami and how hard it was for you and all I could think about was me, and— and you were up here _hurting_ and—” He stops to gasp a breath, looking over at Gwil. “I don't know how to do this, Gwil.”

“Do what?” Gwil asks, standing up, reaching out to Ben, trying to pull him in but Ben moves away.

“I think I— I think Paul— _broke_ me,” Ben says.

“You’re not broken, Ben,” Gwil says. “Please, love, please, can we talk, we— let’s just sit back down. Let’s just…” He reaches out to Ben again, and Ben lets him take his hand, sitting back down on the bed. He reaches up, starting to rub Ben’s back, warm and soothing through his jumper as Ben’s head falls forward, and he tries to calm himself down. Gwil wraps his arms around Ben and pulls him, starting to shush him gently, pressing a couple kisses to his neck. “Paul didn’t break you, love,” he says softly. “You’re not broken.”

“I’m a bloody idiot for ever being with him,” Ben says, and Gwil shakes his head.

“You’re not stupid for trusting him, love,” Gwil says, “he’s an abuser who hurt you and deceived you until he convinced you you couldn’t leave.” He keeps rubbing Ben’s back, holding him close. Ben curls further against him, practically on Gwil’s lap, clinging to him. Gwil shifts under him, holding the ring up so both of them can see it. “Would you wear it?” he asks softly.

Ben pulls back, looking at Gwil in surprise. “What?” he asks.

“Would you wear it?” Gwil asks again. 

“Are you…” Ben looks down at the ring, then back at Gwil. “Are you proposing?” he asks, and he has to try not to laugh when Gwil’s eyes widen. “Not that, because, if you were, I’d have to say no,” he says. “I…for now, I’d have to say no.”

Gwil sighs a bit in relief. “No, I wasn’t,” he says, and Ben smiles. “I was thinking more like…a promise ring. You don’t have to,” he says quickly, “I just…I think Roger would quite like knowing that you have this. Since he wanted to meet you so badly.”

Ben smiles again, burying his face in Gwil’s neck. “Do you think so?” he asks.

“I do,” Gwil says. “But you don’t have to, if you really don’t want to.”

Ben swallows hard. “I just…I’m not sure,” he says. “It’s so valuable, I’d hate to take that sort of thing from you.”

Gwil smiles. “You wouldn’t be taking it, love,” he says, “I’m offering it to you, I _want_ you to.”

Ben looks down, studying the ring a bit longer. He reaches out, then looks to Gwil for permission before gingerly taking it from him. “A promise to what?” he asks, turning the ring over in his hands.

“What?” Gwil asks.

“Well, you said it’s a promise ring,” Ben says, looking up at him. “What’s the promise?” he asks.

Gwil smiles. “What would you like it to be?” he asks.

Ben smiles back, looking at the ring again. “I don’t know, really,” he says. “No one— well, Paul, obviously…this wasn’t his sort of thing. What sorts of promises do people make?”

“That I love you,” Gwil says, “and…we’re going to keep getting better. And today was a hard day, and I’m sure there’ll be more, but we’ll talk and we’ll let each other know when we’re not alright, and…” He shrugs. “And I heard you say ‘for now.’”

“What?” Ben asks. 

“You said, if I were proposing, you’d have to say no, _for now_,” Gwil says.

“Oh,” Ben says, shyly looking down. “I— well, I don’t— I’m not sure when—”

“Neither am I,” Gwil says. “Maybe we never will be. But that’s alright. As long as we’re honest with each other.”

“I don’t know,” Ben says. “That sounds pretty mature for us.”

Gwil laughs softly. “It does, doesn’t it. Not really our thing.”

Ben shakes his head. “It’s really not.” He looks at the ring one more time, and then carefully slips it onto his finger. “It fits,” he says softly.

“Does it?” Gwil asks, lifting Ben’s hand up. “I wasn’t sure.” He looks at him. “What do you think?” he asks.

Ben sighs. “I think…Joe’s going to throw an absolute fit when he sees this.”

Gwil grins. “Do you think we see how long it takes him to notice?” he asks. “We not say a word?”

“I like that,” Ben agrees. He makes a small noise, then wraps his arms around Gwil, pulling him close.

“Are you alright?” Gwil asks quietly.

Ben nods. “Better, anyway,” he says.

“I’m sorry I didn’t come down, love,” Gwil says. “I just…I kept telling myself it was just another day and that it was fine, and then I felt guilty for thinking that. I thought— I don’t know. I wanted to be alright, and then…”

“It’s okay to be alright, Gwil,” Ben says. “Roger wouldn’t be mad if you went a day without mourning him.” He blinks a couple times. “Sorry, that was…rude.”

“No, it wasn’t,” Gwil says. “You’re right. I’ve always been so scared, ever since we first met, that letting you and Joe in meant that I was…forgetting him, or replacing him. I just— I know that’s not true now. I mean, I’ve known it for awhile, I just…I’ve been back a year. I’ve made new mates—”

“You made two, and you’re dating one of them,” Ben says, and Gwil laughs.

“Alright, fair enough,” Gwil says. “What about Nelly, does she count?”

“No, she’s family,” Ben says.

“Well, in that case, so are you and Joe,” Gwil says. “Anyway,” he says, and Ben smiles, “I— the world didn’t end. I haven’t forgotten Roger, or Sami, or my family, they’re still there. I—” He looks down, swallowing hard. “I still love him,” he says, voice rough.

“I know,” Ben says. “It’s alright.” He kisses Gwil’s cheek, holding him close. 

“I don’t know when I won’t,” Gwil says.

Ben shakes his head. “I— don’t feel guilty about that, please.”

Gwil nods shakily, looking at Ben. “Alright. If you— alright.”

Ben smiles and leans in, giving Gwil a kiss. He settles against him, then shifts a bit more. “Do you want to spend the rest of the day in bed?” he asks.

Gwil chuckles. “Do you?” he asks.

Ben shrugs. “Not really, no,” he says. 

“I still haven’t eaten,” Gwil says.

“God, Gwil!” Ben exclaims. “Come on now, we’ve got to get something in you.” He climbs off the bed and reaches out his hand to Gwil. “I won’t have you starve.”

“I don’t think that’s a risk,” Gwil says, laughing, but he takes Ben’s hand anyway. He takes a step and then pauses.

“Gwil?” Ben asks.

“Nothing,” Gwil says, shaking his head. “I just…no, I’m fine.”

“We can stay up here,” Ben says. “Rami and Joe are probably fine on their own.”

“No, I— that’s alright,” Gwil says. “I’d like all four of us to be together.”

“Yeah?” Ben asks.

Gwil nods. “What about you, are you alright?” he asks.

“Of course,” Ben says. “Don’t worry about me,” he says, turning back towards the door, tugging on Gwil’s hand.

“I do though, love,” Gwil says. “I— what you said, about being _broken_, I—”

Ben groans. “Let’s just leave it,” he says. “I’m fine.”

“Ben,” Gwil says.

“What?” Ben asks. “What do you want me to say?”

“That you’ll talk to your doctor about it tomorrow,” Gwil says, and Ben looks at him for a moment, and then sighs, and finally nods.

“If you’d like,” he says.

“Promise,” Gwil says, and he squeezes Ben’s hand, the one wearing the ring, to prove his point.

Ben bites down on his lip, then nods again. “Yes, of course,” he says. 

“Okay,” Gwil says, and he finally steps towards the door.

“What will you be telling your doctor about today?” Ben asks, opening the door, glancing up at Gwil.

“All of it, the whole bloody mess,” Gwil says. “I think she expects it from me at this point.” He follows Ben down the stairs, and both Rami and Joe turn to look at them.

“Hi,” Rami says, shifting to get a better look at them. After a moment, he climbs off the sofa, and then walks over to Gwil, immediately pulling him down into a hug.

“Hi,” Gwil says, squeezing Rami closely.

Joe smiles at the two of them, then looks over at Ben. “What the fuck is this?” he asks suddenly, gesturing towards him.

“What?” Ben asks, sitting down on the sofa next to him.

“This,” Joe says, reaching over to grab Ben’s hand, lifting it up to the look at the ring. “You’re engaged now?”

“It’s not on my ring finger,” Ben says, at the same time Gwil looks up and says, “bloody hell, we’ve only _just_ come downstairs!”

“What?” Rami asks, turning to look at Ben. “Oh,” he says, smiling. He looks back at Gwil. “Come on, you need to eat,” he says, and he takes Gwil by the hand, starting to lead him towards the kitchen.

Ben watches Rami lead Gwil away, and then he turns back to Joe. “Hi,” he says, and Joe smiles at him, reaching out to push at Ben’s hair, which has gotten a bit longer and more unruly as of late.

“Hey, buddy,” Joe says, and he reaches out, pulling Ben into a hug. “How are you feeling?” he asks, rubbing Ben’s back.

“I’m okay,” Ben says, snuggling against Joe. 

“You were up there awhile,” Joe says, and Ben nods. “Thank you for helping Rami.”

Ben smiles, pulling back. “Of course,” he says. “Thank you for helping Gwil.”

“He’s my best friend,” Joe says, and Ben nods.

“I know,” Ben says.

“I don’t know anyone better than him,” Joe continues.

“I’m sure,” Ben sighs, settling back against the sofa.

“So what’s with the ring?” Joe asks.

Ben shrugs, looking down at his hand. “He gave it to me,” he says softly. “I’m…still not sure I should be wearing it. It’s Roger’s.”

“What did Gwil say when he gave it to you?” Joe asks.

“That Roger would want me to have it,” Ben says. “That— he wanted to meet the person Gwil was going to spend the rest of his life with.”

Joe smiles. “And what did you say?” he asks.

Ben looks over at Joe. “I…didn’t handle it well.”

“Right,” Joe says, nodding once. “That doesn’t _totally_ surprise me,” he says. “How bad was it?” 

Ben shrugs. “Paul was mentioned more than once.”

“Right,” Joe says again. He sighs. “You know, you deserve good things, Ben.”

“I don’t want to talk about it, Joe,” Ben says. “Not today.”

“Every day,” Joe says. “Even a day like today.”

“Today’s supposed to be about them,” Ben says, glancing towards the kitchen. He sighs. “How are you?” he asks.

“I’m okay,” Joe says, nodding. “Rami and I talked.”

Ben smiles. “That’s good,” he says.

“Yeah, not too bad,” Joe says. “Turns out, he loves me.”

“He does,” Ben nods.

“How big is the hole he put in the wall?” Joe asks, and Ben laughs.

“It’s not that bad,” Ben says. “He’s pretty worried though.” He looks at him for a moment. “Are you _really_ okay?” he asks.

“He told me not to feel guilty,” Joe says, “so…I’ll try not to. I don’t know. I mean, I still…we’re like the only two people in the world in this situation, you know. Like, we feel bad that our boyfriends time-travelled from the past to date us.”

“That’s not really how I’d phrase it,” Ben murmurs.

“I just, I don’t know how to deal with it,” Joe continues. “Like, how do you prepare for this? I don’t know.” He groans, then reaches up to scratch at his face, not having shaved today. “If he tells me he’s okay, and that I should be okay, then I’ll listen, I guess.”

Ben huffs a quiet noise. “That sounds nice.”

“You’ll get there,” Joe says. “Can’t all be as perfect as me.”

“Oh, christ,” Ben mutters. He brings his feet up onto the sofa, and looks down at the ring again. “I feel like I took something from him,” he says softly.

“You didn’t,” Joe says, “he gave it to you. If— I mean, I’m surprised he took it off. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him without it on. But if he wants you to have it, then you should have it.”

“It’s a promise ring,” Ben says, and Joe grins.

“Yeah, what’d he promise?” he asks. 

“That he loves me,” Ben says. “And that we’ll talk, and that we’ll get better. And…” He trails off, smiling faintly. “That’s all.”

“Yeah?” Joe asks. Ben nods. “Okay. C’me here.” He wraps his arm around Ben, pulling him in. “I did not think a year ago this is where we’d be,” he says.

“No?” Ben asks. “You aren’t psychic?”

“Not yet,” Joe says. He sighs. “Are you seeing your doctor tomorrow?” he asks.

Ben nods. “Gwil too, he’s taking the train to Perth.”

“Okay,” Joe says, squeezing Ben close. “And you’ll tell me after, how it goes?” he asks.

“I can tell you now how it’s going to go,” Ben says. “Lots of tears, lots of her telling me that I deserve this, that Gwil loves me and I love him, and he wants me to have the ring—”

“So, me,” Joe says. “You pay to talk to someone who tells you the same things I do.”

“It sounds better coming from her,” Ben says. “More professional.”

Joe laughs softly. “As long as it helps,” he says. He groans, stretching his legs out. “I’ve been sitting in this exact spot for hours,” he says.

“Get your arse up and go do something then,” Ben says.

“Well, I was supposed to get food with Gwil,” Joe says, “but Rami got jealous.”

“I don’t think that was it,” Ben says.

“I kind of want to get more food,” Joe says, tapping his fingers on his chin. “Like, you got McDonald’s, and Gwil got Italian, and I know our kitchen is just filled with it all now, but like…I kind of want more.”

“You can order it this time,” Ben says. 

“I will,” Joe says, taking out his phone.

Ben smiles, watching Joe for a couple moments, before looking back down at the ring. He sighs softly, wondering how Roger would really feel, knowing that Ben’s wearing it. He really doesn’t know.

\+ + + + +

Rami hands the cup of tea to Gwil, and Gwil accepts it with a quick nod. Rami smiles at him, then reaches out, carefully running his fingertips over Gwil’s knuckles. “How does it feel?” he asks. “To take it off?”

“I don’t know,” Gwil says, lifting his hand to examine it. “Bit odd, I think.” He takes a sip of his tea, then sets it down on the counter. “Do you— are— what I mean to say is…” He trails off, and sighs. “I suppose I don’t really know what I mean to say,” he says quietly.

“I don’t think Rog would be upset, if that’s what you mean,” Rami says.

“Really?” Gwil asks hopefully, looking up at him.

“Of course not,” Rami says, “he’d— Gwil, you read the letters. He loved Dom, and he wanted you to find that too.” He smiles. “Have you?” he asks.

Gwil smiles, relaxing against the counter. “I…I’d like to think so, yes,” he says. “He—” Gwil glances towards the door of the kitchen. “He thought I was proposing,” he says quietly.

Rami starts to laugh. “Were— were you?” he asks. Then his eyes widen a bit. “Oh my god, did you?”

“No!” Gwil says, glancing towards the hallway again. “No, I…no. We’re not—” He shakes his head. “No. I didn’t.”

“You don’t have to make it sound so horrible,” Rami says, pointedly lifting his hand to make sure Gwil can see his engagement ring.

“Oh, stop it, that’s not what I meant,” Gwil says. “I just…I’m not sure— it’s too early for us. We still have too much to work on.” He takes another drink of his tea. “I don’t even know if…”

“That’s alright,” Rami says. “It’s— I think it’s sweet. I don’t want you to feel guilty about taking the ring off, and I know you, and I know that that’s what you’re doing.”

Gwil chuckles softly. “It— well, yes, it is.”

“And Ben,” Rami says, “what did he say when you gave it to him?” he asks.

Gwil swallows hard. “He, uh, he didn’t handle it as well as I’d hoped.” He sighs. “I think the day’s been hard on us all.” He looks over at Rami. “How are you?” he asks.

Rami shrugs, taking a sip of tea. “I…don’t know. I behaved terribly earlier, I’m— I’m quite ashamed.” He looks over at Gwil. “I threw things. A lot of things. I…sometimes it just gets too much, and I—” He shakes his head a bit. “I think Joe’s upset, but he’s not saying anything.”

“I don’t think that sounds like Joe,” Gwil says. “If he was upset, you’d know. But I doubt he’s upset. He understands.”

“I didn’t want today to be like this,” Rami says, “I wanted— well, I thought, maybe it wouldn’t be so terrible if I woke up and I was okay. I— I have no reason not to be. I’m happy, I’m engaged, I’ll be going back to uni, I— it seems selfish to be upset.”

“You’re the least selfish person I know,” Gwil says, smiling. “And you deserve all of those things. It was just…” He bites down on his lip, smile fading. “A year ago, I was terrified I’d never see you again.”

“I know,” Rami says, “so was I.” He smiles, walking over to Gwil. “But you did.”

“And I was still so awful to you,” Gwil says softly, shaking his head in disbelief, and Rami pulls him into a hug.

“Please don’t say that,” Rami says, squeezing Gwil. “Can’t we move on from that now?” he asks. He pulls back, looking up at Gwil. “You know, it’s been six months since you decided to stay.” Gwil nods. “That’s— that’s something, Gwil.”

Gwil nods again. “I know, I still just…I feel like I’m not…I haven’t been there for you.”

“What are you talking about?” Rami asks. “You’re there for me. You’re going to be my best man. You’re here with me, right now, a year later.” He smiles at Gwil, then pulls him back in. “I love you so much, you know.”

Gwil nods. “I love you, too,” he says tightly, voice thick with tears. “God, Rami, I— thank you for letting me back in, after everything.”

“I was never letting you go,” Rami says. He pulls back, eyes shining. “I had plans, you know. You were never stepping foot on that ship.”

Gwil has to laugh. “Oh, really?” he asks.

“Oh yes,” Rami nods. “I’d be in Germany by now, I’m sure of it.”

“So am I,” Gwil says, laughing again softly. “I—”

“I know,” Rami says. He settles beside Gwil, leaning against him. “A year ago, what did you think?” he asks.

“I didn’t know what was happening,” Gwil says. “I— certainly not _this_. This…” He looks around, then looks back at Rami. “I’m so happy for you, Rami,” he says.

Rami smiles, reaching out to grasp Gwil’s hand. “Why did you say it like that?” he asks. “You should be happy for yourself, too.”

“I— I am,” Gwil says, glancing towards the hallway, “I just…you deserved all of this. Joe, this flat, Augie— who, by the way, is lovely to sleep with.”

Rami grins. “He can be very comforting. You know, you can get a cat, too, I’ll—”

“Yes, yes, I know,” Gwil says, and Rami laughs softly. “I just, I like seeing you like this. I know today is terrible, and there are still…there are days I’m certainly not looking forward to facing, but…” He shakes his head a bit. “I’m rambling.”

“A bit, yeah,” Rami says, smirking up at him. “That’s alright, though.” He snuggles against Gwil. “I’ll be there.”

“When?” Gwil asks, looking down at him. 

“The days you don’t want to face,” Rami says. “We’ll get through those together too.”

“I’m not sure today counts as ‘together’,” Gwil says, and Rami smiles.

Rami glances over at the clock. “Well, we all slept all day, so I’m guessing we’ll be up late at least.”

Gwil nods. “Do you need help tidying up?” he asks.

“Hmm?”

“You said you threw things,” Gwil says. “I— do you need help?”

“Oh,” Rami says, shaking his head, “no. Ben helped.”

“Oh,” Gwil says, smiling. “That’s lovely.”

“Isn’t he?” Rami asks.

“Yes, he is,” Gwil says. “So’s Joe, he was very kind to me today.”

“Maybe we both lucked out then,” Rami says.

Gwil nods, instinctively reaching out to touch his ring and then he frowns, looking down. “Right,” he says softly, and Rami reaches out to take his hand.

“It’s alright,” Rami says, squeezing his hand.

“I do want him to have it,” Gwil says, “I just…forgot.”

“I don’t think he’ll be offended,” Rami says. “It will take some getting used to.” He smiles up at him. “Now, come on, I wasn’t lying about getting you something to eat.”

“Did you guys say ‘eat’?” Joe asks, appearing at the doorway.

“God, did you hear him from the living room?” Gwil asks, turning to look at him in surprise.

Joe grins. “I wish, but no, I was just on my way out here. We’re ordering more, what did you guys want?”

“Joe, no,” Rami says, walking to the refrigerator, “we don’t need any more food.”

“Ugh, babe, please,” Joe whines, walking into the kitchen, wrapping his arms around Rami.

“No, Joe,” Rami says again. “We didn’t finish Ben’s McDonald’s, Gwil went and got Italian! Stop it.”

“I’ll take it to work tomorrow for lunch,” Joe says, “I swear. I’ll eat the McDonald’s for breakfast. And, oh! Gwil’s going to Perth tomorrow, he’ll take leftovers on the train.”

Rami sighs, looking up at Joe. “What do you want to order?” he asks finally, and Joe grins.

“I’m going to go back out there,” Gwil says, gesturing towards the hall.

“Wait, what do you want to eat?” Joe asks, turning towards him.

“Whatever you’d like, Joe,” Gwil says. “I’m not fussy.” Joe smiles at him, and Gwil walks out of the kitchen, towards the living room. He sees Ben on the sofa, thumb up at his mouth, watching the television. “So it’s not just when you’re nervous,” he says, leaning against the back of the sofa.

“Hmm?” Ben murmurs, twisting to look back at him. “Oh, right. Or bored, I guess.”

Gwil smiles and then walks around the sofa, sitting down next to Ben. “You could find something more interesting to watch, if you’re bored.”

Ben shrugs. “Joe’s into it, I think,” he says.

“Joe is ordering in our _third_ meal of the day,” Gwil says, settling his arm over Ben’s shoulders. Ben smiles, resting against Gwil’s side. “We didn’t even touch the second meal yet.”

“He’s just fussy,” Ben says.

Gwil turns, pressing a kiss to the top of Ben’s head, then taking a deep breath. He kisses his head again, and pulls Ben in a bit closer.

“Are you smelling me?” Ben asks, and Gwil laughs softly.

“Maybe a little,” Gwil says.

“God, you’re weird sometimes,” Ben murmurs, but he doesn’t pull away.

“I learned from Joe,” Gwil says, and Ben laughs loudly.

“Fair enough,” Ben says, and he snuggles in even closer. He curls against him, and then looks down at his hand, examining it.

“Do you like it?” Gwil asks. “You don’t have to wear it if you don’t want to.”

“No, it’s lovely,” Ben says, “I just…are you _sure_?” he asks.

“I am,” Gwil says, and Ben nods. 

“Okay,” Ben says, and he stifles a yawn, closing his eyes, resting his head against Gwil’s chest. “If you’re sure.”

“Are you sleeping again?” Gwil asks, amused.

“Resting my eyes,” Ben says. 

“Oh, I see,” Gwil says. “And when will you be done resting your eyes?” he asks.

“Oh my god, Ben,” Joe whines, walking into the living room with Rami at his side, “you’re sleeping?”

“Now, I guess,” Ben grumbles, lifting his head.

“Supper’s on its way,” Rami says.

“Great,” Ben says, stretching out a bit, “just what we need, more food.”

“Are you guys planning on going out?” Joe asks suddenly, looking at Gwil and Ben sitting next to each other. “You’re dressed.”

Gwil shakes his head. “No, we’re just…” He waves his hand aimlessly.

“Maybe I’ll get dressed,” Joe says, looking down at his comfy clothes. “For supper.” He turns to head towards the stairs, and then Rami hurries over.

“Wait!” he calls, grabbing Joe’s hand. “Uh, just…I want to come with you.”

“Okay,” Joe says, squeezing Rami’s hand. They walk up the stairs together, and then into the bedroom. Joe flicks on the light and walks over to the dresser. Rami closes the door and hovers awkwardly beside it, waiting for Joe to see the dent he left. “Oh,” Joe says, walking over to the wall. “That’s it?” he asks, running his fingers over the hole. “God, I thought you like put in a new closet the way you were talking.”

“It’s still our home,” Rami says, “and I damaged it because I’m immature and—”

“Seriously?” Joe asks, glancing back at him. “I’m the most immature person I know. This is…we’ll work on it. I’m not giving up on you because of this, okay? I let Gwil live with us after he said like, the worst thing ever, so this…no.” He frowns a bit. “Do you want me to come to therapy with you, babe?” he asks.

Rami looks down, then shrugs. “I don't want to bother you with that,” he says softly.

“You think that would be a bother to me?” Joe asks.

“I don’t know,” Rami says, “it’s just that, well, you don’t need therapy, so you might…think it’s boring or something.”

Joe walks over to Rami, reaching out to take his hands. “I…” He sighs softly. “I mean, no, maybe I don’t _need_ it, but I want to be there to support you when you go. If you want. If you don’t want me there, that’s fine, but…I can hold your hand.”

Rami smiles. “That sounds nice,” he says.

“Yeah?” Joe asks. Rami nods. “Okay. I— whenever you want, okay? I’m not upset about that hole, I’m upset that…_you’re_ upset. I mean, I could probably kick a hole in the wall every time the Yankees lose. You know? It’s— we’ll work on it. You’ve been back a year, you’ll be back for, god, fifty more?” He gives Rami a quick kiss. “We got plenty of time.”

Rami nods. “Okay,” he says, and he wraps his arms around Joe. “Fifty years, that’s a lot,” he says, snuggling his face into Joe’s chest. “You really think so?” he asks.

“Yeah, why not?” Joe asks. “I’m not letting you go before that.”

Rami smiles. “I love you,” he says.

“I love you, too,” Joe says, kissing Rami’s forehead. “I’m sorry today was so terrible,” he says, squeezing Rami closely, starting to sway with him. “I’m going to do my best to make you happy though, from now on.”

Rami smiles, closing his eyes, resting against Joe. “You already do,” he says quietly, and he takes a deep breath. “I’m so happy here.” Joe rubs his hands over Rami’s back, and Rami thinks he could almost fall asleep again right there, if they weren’t standing up. The more time he spends with Joe, the better he thinks his day is getting.

\+ + + + +

The four of them sit down around the dining table, their third takeaway meal of the day laid out in front of them, drinks poured. Gwil, the only one of them who hasn’t eaten at all so far today, is still hesitant to start digging in. The day has just been too _odd_. When they were dishing out the food, at one point Gwil wondered to himself if it was too disrespectful to eat today. Then a split second later he rolled his eyes because starving himself because Roger was dead was a stupid idea, even for him.

“Should we say something?” Ben asks, breaking the silence, glancing around the table. “It— it just feels like we should…say something.”

Rami and Joe glance at each other, and then Gwil shrugs. “I…I don’t know,” Gwil says. “I’m not sure I know what to say.”

“Rami?” Ben asks, looking across the table at him.

Rami opens his mouth, then pauses, and thinks, then shrugs. “I…I don’t know,” he says quietly, looking down at the table.

Joe shifts in his seat. “For everything you have missed,” he starts, “you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.”

Ben blinks a couple times. “Who said that?” he asks.

“Me,” Joe says, “I just did. Didn’t you hear me?”

Gwil smiles faintly and rolls his eyes. “Emerson,” he says.

“Oh shut up, Gwil, of course you knew that,” Joe says. “I thought about going with Shakespeare but as the only American here I didn’t want to fuck it up.”

“I like that,” Rami says. “It’s sad, but…true.” He reaches out, running his finger over the rim of his glass. He frowns. “I’m not really sure I’m that hungry.”

“Oh god,” Joe groans, “babe, we— come on, I didn’t order all this food for nothing.”

“We really should eat something,” Ben says. “Finally.” He looks over at Gwil. “You must be starving.”

“I don’t know,” Gwil says, but he finally picks up his fork.

“Just a bit, babe,” Joe says softly, “come on. You didn’t eat enough today. And drink your water, you probably dehydrated yourself.”

Ben smiles over at Gwil as Joe starts to fuss over Rami, and he watches to make sure that Gwil actually takes a bite, before he slowly starts to eat as well. After a few bites, he takes a sip of water, then reaches out, resting his hand on Gwil’s leg as he keeps eating. 

Gwil looks down and smiles, and rests his hand on Ben’s, gently rubbing his thumb over Ben’s ring. He leans over and then gives Ben a quick kiss. 

“I have food in my mouth,” Ben says, pulling back, covering his mouth with his hand, and Gwil grins.

“That’s alright, love,” he says, and he waits for Ben to swallow before kissing him again.

“Are you two staying over again tonight?” Rami asks.

Gwil and Ben turn towards them, and then glance at each other. “If you’d like,” Gwil says, and Rami nods.

“Yes, please,” Rami says. “I— just for tonight.”

“As long as you’d like,” Ben says, and Gwil nods in agreement.

“Hell, just move back in,” Joe says, and he winks at Gwil. 

Rami nods, picking up his glass, but he doesn’t drink from it. He looks down, then raises his eyes to look at them again. “Thank you all for being there for me for the last year,” he says finally, and then he takes a drink.

“Our pleasure,” Joe says.

Ben nods. “Absolutely,” he says. “I— well, as terrible as it sounds…getting to know you two, it’s probably been the best year of my life.” 

“What?” Joe asks. “Not the first year we were friends? Or the second? Or the thir— okay, fine.” He smiles. “Mine too. You know, I got _engaged_ this year,” he says, looking at Rami.

Gwil blinks a couple times and looks down at his plate.

“It’s alright,” Ben says softly, “I didn’t say it to make you feel—”

“No, I know,” Gwil says, nodding. He takes a quick drink, then squeezes Ben’s hand. “It’s alright,” he says. “I…it’s fine.”

“Okay,” Ben says, but he shifts uncomfortably, fearing that he’s still managed to say the wrong thing. He sets his fork down and sighs, looking down at the table.

Gwil watches Ben for a moment, and feels guilty. He’s not sure that he can say the last year was the best year of his life; in fact, he knows he can’t. He already told Joe it was the worst year of his life. Not just because of everything he lost. If it had just been that, maybe seeing Rami’s happiness with Joe and finding Ben would have outweighed that. But the best year of his life certainly can’t be the one where he treated everyone sitting with him like shit.

“Personally, I’m looking forward to the next year,” Gwil says. “I uh, I’ve been so happy for the last five months, and I think it’s only going to get better from here.”

Ben looks over at him, smiling faintly. “Really?” he asks.

“Really,” Gwil says.

“Five months?” Joe echoes. “But it’s been six since— oh. Oh, I see.” He smiles, then leans across the table. “Ben, I think Gwil might actually _like_ you,” he says in a dramatic whisper.

Rami chuckles and Gwil smiles, and Ben leans towards Joe. “I actually think he might, too,” he says.

“Fucking finally,” Joe says, settling back in his seat.

Ben smiles at Gwil, and then shifts a bit closer to him. “Yeah,” he says softly, “finally.”

Gwil smiles and leans down to give Ben a quick kiss. “Sorry it took so long, love,” he murmurs in his ear.

Ben smiles again and shrugs. “It’s alright,” he says. “You might have been worth the wait.”

Gwil glances over at Rami, who’s watching him back with a smile. He leans in to brush his lips across Ben’s cheek, then whispers in his ear, “I know you were.”

Ben blushes and he looks down. Gwil watches him, and he can see that when Ben’s eyes fall on his ring, he starts to smile. 

This next year will be better, Gwil thinks. No, not just better— it’s going to be amazing.

**Author's Note:**

> • leave it to me to turn what was supposed to be a _much_ shorter piece in 20,000 words of them crying.  
• I had a lot of struggles with this piece and at one point very seriously considered deleting the whole thing.  
• it took a fair bit to get me to be happy enough with it to post (I still have problems with it).  
• I didn't want to hurt them just to hurt them, I wanted them to be better at the end of it.  
• they're not all fixed, but I think they've gotten some things out in the open and are okay.  
• I also really wanted them to all have their time with each other (Joe and Gwil in particular makes me happy).  
• Ben wearing Roger's ring though <3 I hope someone else likes that as much as me. I just thought it was so sweet.


End file.
